I have been struggling with binge eating since Fall 2022 and I have gained about 10 kg since then. My weight keeps going up and down. This year, for example, I went from 69 kg down to 63 kg and then back up to 67 kg between August and now.
For reference: I am 162 cm and I felt most comfortable around 54 kg.
I am very familiar with calorie tracking and I do not struggle with accuracy. Every kilogram I gained makes sense. The challenge is staying in a deficit long enough to see change. Every morning I wake up calm, motivated, and convinced that today will be different. By evening, I lose control.
I have tried so many approaches: strict deficits, gentler deficits, exercise with more calories, volume eating, “eat what I love but in moderation.” The result is always the same: without a consistent deficit, one binge erases the week. I know from experience that I lose weight around ~1100 calories per day on average. I have had full blood work done, including hormones, and everything is normal.
My days are long (8 am to 1 am). I take 8 courses and I am performing at the top of my class. I feel like food is the thing that keeps me going emotionally and mentally.
My meals are structured:
- Breakfast: iced coffee with skim milk (~100 cal) + protein bar (~250 cal)
- Lunch: chicken or steak sandwich with vegetables (~550 cal)
The issue begins when I get home. I change into comfortable clothes and I try not to rush to the fridge (which used to be my automatic habit). I try to slow down and be mindful. But the moment the appetite opens, I go for whatever is in the fridge: grilled cheese, pasta, chicken and rice, anything that is cooked. And I always have my binge trigger foods in the house: lotus spread, halva, peanut butter, chocolate, mixed nuts, dates. I keep thinking I should learn to coexist with them, but right now I just binge on them. I live with my family and they are supportive of me btw.
When I am in a deficit, I cannot sleep. I get wired and mentally alert at night. Then the next day I am exhausted and vulnerable to bingeing again. When I binge, I can physically feel my thighs gain softness and I immediately feel uncomfortable in my body. It is a very fast mental and emotional shift.
What makes this harder is the comparison I constantly see around me. Those girls who sit in class with a lightweight backpack and sip on coffee all day, barely eating, still sharp, still functioning, still slim. I cannot convince my brain that I can be one of them. I believe I will faint. I believe I will lose my cognitive capacity. And that fear keeps me from maintaining a deficit when I need to.
I keep waiting for a calmer period in life to fix this, but realistically there will never be a completely calm period. I graduate in June 2026 and I do not want to spend these years uncomfortable.
I am aware CBT exists, and I know some people benefit from therapy. But I want to be honest: I tend to analyze therapists instead of participating. I catch the structure of their questioning and mentally “solve” their approach rather than letting it help me. This is another issue I am not looking to unpack here, but I want to acknowledge it upfront.
I do not know if this post will hold me accountable. I just want to feel like myself again.
If anyone has been in this position — long academic days, high performance, food as emotional and mental fuel — how did you break the binge cycle? How did you learn to trust yourself around food again?
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