... but here's what I've learned!
At my heaviest I clocked 310-315lbs, that was way back in 2011. After finally getting my act into gear I lost 120lbs across 2012-2013 across diet and exercise. I felt fantastic for the first time in my adult life. I was in my early 20s and lighter than I was since my teenage years.
Then came the struggle of how to keep it off and make this a lifestyle. I hadn't to that point done any lifting, aesthetically I was skinny but covered in faded stretch marks with little to no muscle. Despite my hard work in losing weight, every resource I came across was telling me I needed to gain weight or "muscle", so came a long battle of wheel spinning, being desperately afraid of scale weight gain, whilst also hating being small and feeling less masculine next to other more typically adult men
Lesson: Large weight loss commonly breeds body dysmorphia. Concentrating on winning the battle over said dysmorphia is probably better than focusing on anything else. If I had attended counselling for that back then, I'd probably have had a better relationship with the gym in my first few years of lifting.
I found powerlifting, at the time this discipline spoke to me more than anything else. I enjoyed getting stronger and it seemed like a good way to improve my body composition,after being guilted by anti-vanity sentiments for so long. It was preposterous at that time to train exclusively for aesthetics, you had to "get a strength base" and "ride out LP on Stronglifts" before you earned the right to train the way you wanted. As a young man I was largely surrounded by people who felt the same way as the internet.
After a strong start in Powerlifting and some modest weight gain I hit a huge stall. Nothing I did worked to improve my strength and being around 6'0 the community around me was a loud deluge of "gain weight". So eventually I did, and felt disgusted in myself when approaching 220lbs I had made zero improvements in strength and didn't have the aesthetics results I expected.
Lesson: Powerlifting is absolutely terrible for aesthetics goals for most people. You have permission to explore other forms of training, including never using barbells at any stage of gym goer. Never let anybody force you into Stronglifts.
For a few years I resisted the growing loathing for powerlifting in the back of my mind. I stayed involved and was always having start/stop periods of comeback motivation bursts of training. Ultimately it never came to fruition, I just couldn't consolidate my hatred of being so heavy and having outdone around 1/3rd of my weight loss through training this way, alongside being absolutely mediocre in the sport.
I didn't really get a choice to come to that conclusion that I needed to quit, however. COVID - 19 shutdowns did it for me. For just over a year I was unable to go to the gym, I was put on a forced break for resistance training of any kind and given space (albeit filled with existential dread, given how volatile my life at that time was) to think about other things. I filled the gym void with food. Without lifting I ballooned to nearly 250lbs, it was disgusting how much of a failure I felt, but ultimately I felt liberated that I could show the world zero fucks at that time. Surprisingly bodyfat accumulation wasn't as absolute as I expected, I looked okay for what it was. But, I felt like utter shit and incredibly self conscious.
Lesson: Don't fat fuck yourself again.
After the end of restrictions I debated ever going back to the gym. I genuinely couldn't be bothered. However my physical conditioning said otherwise and I managed to lose 20lbs resuming exercise. Upon getting back into the habit, over the next three or four years I've got down another 20lbs but yo-yo'd +/- 10lbs or so.
This past year I've really just focused on my health and trying to improve in whatever way I can. I spent so many years trying to do everything right (protein intake, training programmes, optimising shit, etc) at great personal expense to my free time and personal life (it's difficult to have a social life whilst fitting in 200 grams of protein a day) and being rewarded with sweet fuck all.
My goal is to now drop the last 20lbs and get back to my starting point of 2013. I have muscle thanks to over a decade of training (even with the break) but nothing in comparison to what people sell people on what's achievable. I am nearing 40 years old now, I do not want type II diabetes or any health conditions linked to excess weight. Having spent a decade sacrificing aspects of my QOL for hardcore adherence, the last thing I want is to have QOL issues from health conditions.
Lesson : I'd highly recommend staying within 20lbs of your lean weight, because you're just not going to gain all that much muscle without drugs and/or a long stretch of training (like me.) Every day I come across people talking about bulking and cutting and really unless you're a bodybuilder (which if you are actually one, it's a whole other lifestyle commitment) it's not going to do you any good. The absolute feelings of failure and regret I've experienced from gaining weight to try and be better at things like powerlifting, in my opinion is not worth it. So many people here need the victory that comes with weight loss and the long term lifestyle changes that lead to maintaining it and it's hard to do that when you gain any significant amount of weight back voluntarily in the pursuit of strength performance.
Lastly, too many people are obsessed with leg training and Squats.. Fuck Squats and equally fuck Deadlfts. You don't need to do them at all. In fact if you just want a great upper body, but for the sake of health and mobility you can get away with simpler, less targeted hard leg training. The idea that Squats promote total body growth and more HGH/Testosterone is also bullshit and unsubstantiated.
- Best Wishes in your journeys!
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