Hi, long time lurker here who finally decided to take the plunge. I have been wanting (needing) to fix my weight forever and I truly want to take it seriously this time. I am only 20 years old, and my life is turning into a big collection of bad habits, and I have to stop it now. For some reason I take better care of everyone else than I do myself. I help them through rough relationships, take them shopping, help them when they’re depressed and I go through the cold, rain and windstorms not to cancel on someone when they’ve asked me for something. I just can’t seem to take care of me. I live in a trashpile, order pastas and pizzas like I need the calories (I don’t) and I keep buying clothes that are too small for me because for some reason I’m in denial.
The denial is the main thing holding me back I think. It hurts too much to admit that in 10 years I’ll have diabetes and heart disease, just because I can’t stop myself from eating like a pig. It’s so stupid, because I look at myself in the mirror all the time, I’m just in denial about what I’m seeing. I have reverse body dysmorphia. I see myself as much skinnier than I really am. I don’t see the 25kgs I’ve packed on in the last 3 years, I don’t see the 4 dress sizes I’ve gained and I especially don’t see how others must see me. But sometimes, I get a flash of reality, and I want to crawl away, turn off the lights and hide so no one can see me. I see my bulging belly and stretch marks and chin and I want to throw up. And the moment I shut those awful feelings off again I’m back to ‘okay’ and I’m back to thinking nothing really REALLY has to change.
And now I’m stuck. Stuck because I feel like the moment I’ll accept my true size, I’ll have to climb the biggest mountain of my life. Because I’ll stop being able to laugh it off, or keep myself in denial with men who like me for a night (or as long as the beer goggles last). The fear of that battle is what keeps me here, gaining weight slowly but surely.
So for anyone who feels the same way, who wants to stop themselves before it’s too late, let’s start together. Maybe it’s small steps first, but the climb will be worth it (sorry for the cliché). If you don’t accept what happened, how are you going to change it?
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