Anon for obvious reasons. My wife and I are in our early 30's, stable relationship, house, no kids. I work full time and she is a homemaker. She has struggled with her weight for the past 5-6 years and is currently 5'5" and around 240-250 lbs. She has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and is on new medication and has started going to therapy. I have never struggled with my weight and do not have anxiety or depression (as far as I know).
When we met 9 years ago, she was chubby but not overly much and actually said she was actively trying to get in better shape at the time. I was encouraging and we used to go on hikes together and play tennis. These activities decreased over time and eventually died off. When I get home from work, she is often sleeping or has the TV on while playing on her phone. It's frustrating because I work all day to support us and our comfortable lifestyle and she eats dinner before I get home and doesn't want to do anything active/outside in the evening.
I recently found out my wife binge eats in secret and this is probably the reason for her weight gain. I guess she has been doing this for some time, but I never even found any evidence of it until recently when she was sleeping in on a Saturday morning and I went to take the trash out and found two empty granola bar boxes and candy wrappers in the bin. I asked her about it when she woke up and she accused me of spying on her (?) and her activities during the day. She asked if I had a problem with her not working and how she spends her time, which isn't the issue at all, I just want her to be healthy and happy.
She brings up her weight fairly regularly ("I shouldn't be eating this," "I need to lose weight before the gathering," stuff like that) but also seemingly doesn't make any attempt to portion control or exercise. It isn't that she doesn't have the time, and I told her again and again that she can sign up for any gym that she chooses, or get a personal trainer, whatever she thinks would help. I have a routine for exercise that I used to invite her to join me in, but after years of her saying No, I have stopped asking and just go before work now or at lunch.
Our sex life has dwindled significantly and she wears a lot of clothes to bed now (pajama bottoms, tshirt, robe) and doesn't make any attempt to engage in sex. I try to make a move a few times a week but am generally shot down. Maybe once every two weeks she doesn't turn me down but when we're intimate it often seems like she's just bored. I recently asked her in the heat of the moment if it felt good and she kind of sighed and rolled her eyes, so to be honest I don't even really want to have sex with her anymore.
What can I do to help support my wife? I'm not even 100% sure she's interested in losing weight, but I want to be with a woman who respects herself and her body, and who will be healthy in another 20 or 40 years. I've brought up marriage counseling but she refuses. What can I do? I don't know if divorce is an option, as she has essentially no professional experience and would probably have to move back in with her parents. I don't know what to do.
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