Before you read this, I just wanted you all to know why I'm posting this. Every time I've tried to lose weight in the past, I either used unhealthy methods or just kept to myself that I was trying to get in shape. I figured by sharing, I would have to keep at it, because then I could be held accountable. Also, this story is really long. Sorry bout that.
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I've hated the way I looked since I was about 13. I recently turned 22. I have type 1 diabetes (the kind not linked to diet and exercise) so I go to the doctor a lot. I was there about a week or two ago and the doctor's assistant said that they didn't need to take my vital signs, just my weight (it wasn't a regular appointment, I was starting a new insulin pump so the entire visit lasted about seven minutes as opposed to the 30 minute appointments I'm used to, being diabetic). Well, I stepped on the scale and saw 189 looking at me. That's been my weight for a while, probably a year or so. I always see it when I go to this doctor. But for some reason, that day it bugged me. 189. As far as my height goes, I'm tiny. Like, super tiny. People always crack jokes about how short I am. At work, when I sit properly in my chair, my feet don't even touch the floor, and people think this is hilarious, especially seeing me try to get up from this chair. So seeing a number so close to 200 when I am as short as I am...well, it didn't feel good.
My physical health is pretty bad because in addition to diabetes, I also have celiac disease. Thus, I have to be on a gluten free diet. And my diet choices were shit despite the fact that I can't eat bread products. When I first went gluten free at diagnosis, I lost around 15 pounds without trying -- cutting out a major food group will do that since I was in a situation where my gluten free options were mostly fruits, vegetables, and meat with no spices or sauces. But then I started eating gluten free substitutes, such as bread and pasta and pizza. And those 15 pounds (and then some) returned. I loved Chipotle and ate there pretty much every day. I found out that Chick Fil A had gluten free chicken nuggets and that became another staple, because who doesn't love their waffle fries and lemonade? In N Out Burger also has a lettuce wrap burger, which goes great with animal style fries. I also work a lot of closing shifts, so DoorDash saved my life when I was exhausted from work and just didn't want to cook. And I think you kind of get the idea.
Obviously since I'm here, I've started making some changes to my lifestyle. When exactly did things start changing? I don't want to turn this into some sort of political tangent, but I am opposed to the death penalty. I cannot bring myself to agree with taking the life of a living creature for any reason, no matter how heinous the crime. Recently I realized that it's kind of hypocritical that I don't believe in taking a human's life when they have reprehensible actions, but I find it okay to eat animal products when they are completely innocent of any wrongdoing. So I made the decision to be vegetarian on top of gluten free. It's hard to find an excuse to go to Chick Fil A when you don't eat chicken, their most famous dish. In all honesty, I hate sauteed vegetables and Chipotle's tofu really sucks, so I don't have a ton of options there either. In N Out meals don't feel complete without a burger (also, animal fries kind of lose the appeal as you get older, I've found). And let's be real, DoorDash is expensive, so all of my fast food options greatly diminished with this change.
But things really changed because of my sorority. I have always wanted to have a younger sibling, being the youngest in my family. I would come up with crazy stories when I was a child about my "younger siblings" that didn't exist. Joining a sorority gave me the chance to be a big sister at long last. For those who aren't familiar, in sororities, a new member is assigned a "big [sister]", and the new member becomes her "little [sister]". Last semester I finally got the opportunity to be a big. My little is absolutely perfect and I spoil her like crazy now that I finally get to wear the title of big sister. One thing that littles get from their bigs are letters, jackets with the sorority's Greek letters on them. In our chapter, your first set of letters is meant to be a matching pair with your big sister. With my little's birthday coming up, I finally ordered us our letters. When I went to the embroidery store, I ordered two medium jackets, since my little likes clothes a bit loose and I have always been a medium in unisex sizes. However, I came to a very horrible realization soon after ordering the jackets. Most of my unisex clothing that are mediums are tight on me. I can't even fit in the vast majority of my women's cut medium clothes. I want to be able to wear my letters with my little once they arrive and not be self conscious about it. There's also the fact that my sorority has a less than stellar reputation on my campus. We are "bottom house" and everyone knows it. Some people even call us the "whale house". Number one, fat shaming is pretty gross, especially when, believe it or not, there is more to being in a sorority than being pretty. But number two, I knew that I was not exactly helping that reputation.
So that's what it was. I am short and fat and am not ecstatic about that fact. I no longer eat meat and cannot eat bread. I want to take pictures with the little sister I wanted for so long and feel good about myself. So last night I headed to my apartment complex's gym and got on a stationary bike. Let me tell you -- after not working out in probably two years, it sucked. It fucking sucked so bad. I was only about two minutes in and my face was red and I was sweating profusely. The entire workout I had selected was about twenty minutes long. I spent the entire time wanting to cry and thinking that this was the worst decision I had ever made. When I got off the bike, my legs were like jelly and I nearly fell to the ground even though I hadn't pushed myself that hard at all. The shower that followed when I got back to my apartment was the best shower I have taken in my entire life, I was so covered in sweat. And after all that, I hadn't even burned 200 calories. But waking up today, I felt a sense of pride in myself.
No more excuses. I want to look good in my letters. I want the body I've dreamed of for years. I can't see a difference yet (obviously), but I feel a difference. Every time I've tried to lose weight in the past, I have given up after a single day for the most part. But now? I'm actually excited about getting off work tonight and hitting the gym. Old me would have said "who is she?" But new me says I want to wear those letters without struggling with the zipper. Oh, and I'll definitely let you all see me wearing them once they arrive. I'm too excited about them and about my body to keep them to myself.
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