I’m 5’7, and currently weigh around 172 lbs. My highest recorded weight was 262, around 3 years ago during gym class when we all had to step on the scale to get our height and weight. I grew up a big kid, weighing 200 by the time I graduated middle school.
My weight didn’t truly bother me at all as a kid. I was picked on, bullied, etc. and I’d feel upset but I never put in any real effort to diet or change. When I started college though, a switch flipped in my brain for some reason. I was surrounded consistently by people who were smarter, more talented, and most importantly skinner than me, and I could feel the difference in social interactions between me and everyone else.
Weight loss started relatively slow and I was around 250 lbs by the end of my first semester, and 230 lbs by the end of my second. I saw no visual difference in the mirror, which I think really broke me. During my sophomore year, I lost weight rapidly. I barely ate out that entire year, and even avoided hanging out with friends out of fear of overeating food I hadn’t cooked myself. I vividly remember stepping on the scale one morning after not using it in 2 months and reading the number 188. For the first time in almost 7 years, I was under 200 lbs. And currently for the first time in my life I’m out of the obese range.
Nothing has changed about me though. I’m still avoidant, I lack confidence and there’s a visible loose skin around my arms and legs. For some reason I thought losing weight would transform me into a better, more confident version of myself that I longed to be but I don’t feel that way at all. I’m not even in a normal weight range yet, and I still weigh more than most grown men. Losing 90 pounds sounds amazing on paper, but all it gave me was a terrible relationship with food and my body. I’m somehow skinny, fat, and curvy all at the same time and I look different every time I step in front of a mirror.
I’ve been working on a mindset change when it comes to weight loss and focusing more on my health and how my body feels and less about the number on the scale. But it’s hard when my entire life the number on the scale was the first thing people saw when meeting me. My parents have barely been supportive of my weight loss journey, and I’ve heard every fat joke in the book growing up thrown towards me and my sister. I could go on a rant about how they’ve done nothing but let me binge eat as a child but I turn 20 in November and now I only have myself to blame for how my body turns out. They’re nicer to me now, and concerned about how little I eat sometimes but honestly it’s too little too late.
I look at older pictures of myself and feel terrible that I was so mean to myself. I wish I’d been more kind to myself, and I miss when I’m didn’t just see numbers every time I looked at food. I could go on and on about how much I put my body through over the past 3 years but the damage has already been done. I have to once again unlearn healthy habits and just hope there will come a time where I can both eat and have a healthy body normally.
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