TW: Mentions of ED & Depression
I'm 18 years old, a freshman in college.
I feel like I'm at a loss. My weight and body image have caused me to miss out on so much of life. From dressing up/ going out to fun parties to staying a prisoner to my room where nobody can see me. I feel like this cycle is never going to end. I just want to feel and look healthy, something that has became impossible.
I've struggled with depression all my life. I became extremely hopeful my life was going to turn arounf at 15 when my dysfunctional family started to become functional again. I stuck to my diet and workout plan and lost roughly 20 pounds. I was 5'7 and 120 pounds and felt pretty for once.
I have now been at 135-145 pounds for 2 ish years. Still 5'7.
I know I'm not overweight, but I just want to eat healthy and workout. Seems silly, right? Because I AM ABLE to do that. But I can't. I'm too lazy and not motivated enough. I just want to cry. I just hate myself. I don't eat meals, I just graze. I don't eat vegetables and have a very short lived motivation to be healthy.
I have been put on Vyvanse but stopped taking it. I didnt want to create a reliance on a drug to be skinny.
I dont know what to do. This is just a rant, I guess. I hate myself. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate seeing that I've gained weight. I hate stepping on the scale. I hate feeling bloated all the time. I hate that I don't eat healthy. I hate that I turn to reddit for this.
I just want to be under 130. More importantly, I want to FEEL healthy. I just hate myself. I hate myself.
I know this is extremely silly, but if anyone has any tips or tricks that maybe will flip a switch in my brain, please comment. Any support or input is highly appreciated.
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