On august 1st i weighted 375 pounds. I had sleep apnea so bad that i could barely even drive to and from work. Ive been on a weight loss journey since august 1st. So far i have lost 90 pounds. This is my 4th weight loss attempt in my life, each time i have lost a significant amount of weight and then given it up due to burning out or depression. Because of this i have little to no trust in myself. I am extremely strict with my program. I do not binge, i do not miss days, i do not skip sets. I think im doing everything right. Yet somehow i cannot convince myself that i am, and i constantly feel like its only a matter of time until everything falls apart and i end up near 400 pounds again. I am terrified to deviate from my plans and allow myself to live a little to the point where i am dreading family holidays because they involve food, where i normally would look forward to them. I am starting to kind of even resent some of my friends who are immune to putting on weight, because i feel as if they will beg me to eat with them. I would rather isolate myself to complete my goals than maintain those relationships. When it comes to the scale, im obsessive. I do not have the ability to look past the number. To me it is everything. The number on the scale dictates how i will feel mentally until the number starts going downward again. Despite all of this i am extremely hard headed. To the point where i almost hate myself for it. I cannot be told shit, and am unlikely to believe anything unless i see it with my own eyes. When it comes to the weight loss process, i dont know what to believe or what to think. Normally on my life i try new things and see if they work. However with weight loss, it seems that one thing that works today may not work the next. This is the only thing ive ever done where you can do everything right, and life will still tell you to get fucked. For instance on thanksgiving, i worked out for 3 hours, then ate your typical thanksgiving meal. At the end of the day i weighed less than i did in the morning even with the food in my stomach. Then the following week i went out of town for a concert, figured i would be safe to have a couple hot dogs with a friend since thanksgiving went so well. But somehow gained 5 pounds over night. This makes me feel helpless. Like i am cursed. I have slowly been increasing the intensity of my workouts each month to avoid a plateau and i have reached a point where i am doing 2 hours of cardio a day. I dont think i can afford to eat any less, and i feel like adding more cardio will make me burn out. I am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals, but if my only option is to do 2 hours of cardio per day for the rest of my life i will probably end up just offing myself. What i want is to reach a point where i can transition to building muscle and enjoy that process more. I dont know how to make my mind rest. Perhaps it never will. But if i know one thing, my mind will give up before my body does.
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