I’m 27, and food has always been my number one love of my life and my comfort. It is so soothing. I grew up in an extremely stressful household with a dad with anger issues and a mom with depression who would drink, and I was a really shy child so I just learned to be quiet and never express my feelings or have boundaries for myself. I remember my binge eating started to get really bad when I was around 12, I would go to the store and buy three strawberry milks and candy and the works and sneak them home and eat them in private while doing my homework. I was also super super skinny at the time so I never thought anything of it. Once I hit puberty though I gained 50 pounds and became very very chubby. But that still never stopped me. I always comfort ate. I had no friends, depression, and anxiety, parents and basically my whole family ignored me and neglected me so I just overate all the time alone. I never felt pretty, never had boyfriends, or friends. Soon I became an adult in my early 20’s and I discovered dieting. I had also maybe tried it for like three days max as a teenager but once I started working full time at a physical job and didn’t have much money for food, my weight dropped to 128 without me even noticing and one day I realized I loved being skinny and being able to feel pretty for once in my life. Once that stopped however I gained 20 pounds back and then i dieted again on purpose, soon being able to get back to 128 pounds. But then life stress happened again and in threes for some reason and alas, 20 pounds put back on.
Basically now I’ve just been a solid 150 pounds for like the last six years. Give or take 7 pounds. I’m sick of it. Honestly I never exercise , I binge almost every night because I am stressed out or if I’m not binging I drink wine which has a lot of calories and may as well be binging. I’m tired of it. I’m forcing myself to exercise everyday regardless of whether I binge or not. For some reason on days that I overeat I don’t usually exercise because I think What’s the point but I have to break the habit and do it more than once every three months. Removing food as a comfort it really fucking hard. I have no friends, one boyfriend who loves my body now but doesn’t know how unhealthy I feel. I can barely even get up a flight of stairs or button my pants.
Anyways to wrap it up I really need to hold myself accountable from now on. My boyfriend doesn’t care about helping me because he loves chubby women. Yes I’m afraid he will leave me and think I’m ugly if I lose 20 pounds but I’m going to do it anyways because I’m doing it for ME! I never do shit to please myself. I’m so fucking mean to myself and always deny myself happiness. Fuck it. I deserve to feel sexy. Everyone deserves to like their body. Fuck it.
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