At my highest weight I was over 500 pounds. I'm not sure how much more because most scales don't actually go that high. I would eat a large pizza or two plus sides or enough food from McDonalds to literally feed a family of four. I remember being in high school and getting my driver's licence and putting down that I was 300 pounds. I had no idea on my weight. I know sometime in college I got to 400 since I weighed myself at the gym while doing one of my thousand attempts at weight loss. I'm not sure exactly when I got to 500 but I know it was because I just shoved food in my face all the time. I hated myself and the way I dealt with that was through eating. Honestly I dealt with ALL emotions through eating.
I've shared this story before but I'll share it again for those who don't know me. About 2.5 years ago I moved to Japan to work. My boss who couldn't speak English well told one of my English coworkers that he didn't think I could fit in the bathroom door. I got an email asking me how large around I was to make sure I could fit. This was my first interaction with one of the people I could actually talk to in a new country. I had to get two seats on the plane from CA to Japan and it was my second plane trip ever. The first being the one from AZ to CA. Even this wasn't really a wake up call. It should have been, but it didn't make me actually lose weight. I was 485 pounds when I went to Japan.
Through the first six ish months of walking around my middle of no where town and having no access to fast food (again, middle of no where town) I lost 15 pounds. Here on reddit there's a BTFC subreddit which is a transformation challenge. I always saw it and thought I could smash that and win it without a problem. It started while I was living in Japan so I decided to join. I think I lost about 65 pounds in the 12 weeks of the competition. And I didn't win haha. But it did get me to start losing weight.
I finished up my two years in Japan (I was not happy at all there) and moved back to the US. In 2 years I went from about 470 to somewhere in the 210s. This last December I got hernia surgery. I had meal prepped for a week but then the meal prep food was gone, it still hurt to live, so I ate the fast food that was easy to get that people around me were eating. From there it was hard to get back on track. I still did my cardio, I wake up every morning at about 4 am to do 3 miles, but I was eating like I used to. Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and as much as I wanted. I would get so mad at myself. I knew what I was doing was dumb and that the scale wasn't just water weight from a few bad days. I was gaining weight.
I went from the 210s in December up to 270 in the start of March. I look back and wonder why I let the bad eating last so long. Eating didn't make me happy, gaining weight didn't make me happy, but I kept doing it. A lot of my starting weight loss was honestly fueled by self hate. I have depression. I don't like myself. And that really pushed me forward in my weight loss. But it doesn't last forever. Eventually you kinda just... stop trying. Weight loss didn't make me happy, it just kinda spawned different issues. I have loose skin and body dismorphia and I honestly don't believe people when they say I look different. Obviously I KNOW I do, but my head tells me differently. I am currently looking for a therapist to help me get through these issues.
I'm back to losing. It's only been a few days so far but the scale is finally going the right way and I'm sticking to it. No more 'one more day' or 'well at least i'm not X pounds again.' Losing weight didn't fix my mental health issues. I don't know why I thought it would, but it hasn't. I know the steps I need to take and I know where I have to go from here. I don't think I'll ever be able to afford skin removal (as a teacher it's about an entire years worth of pay) and I need to accept that and work through my mental issues. All I can do is take it one step at a time. Coming on here and talking to people or reading their stories really helps a lot. We all know the struggle and sometimes that's what you need. Just someone who knows what you're going through. Next time I post here, hopefully I'll be back down in the 210 range and be at a better place in my life.
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