I've always had a really unhealthy relationship with food and my own body. I didn't realize until recently (and mostly due to this sub!) that I probably even had a binge eating disorder. I would often eat things like donuts and fast food alone in the car when I was stressed out and try to hide how much I had eaten from others. I would go through phases of eating healthy/ calorie counting and exercising intensely, which never lasted longer than a month at a time because I was too strict - If I broke and ate a cookie or anything I deemed even remotely unhealthy, I would consider the whole diet a failure and immediately binge, then feel awful about myself. It was a vicious cycle that left me with zero self-confidence and very low motivation. I hated my body and I hated my lack of discipline.
This past month I started up a "diet" again, but I've had a very different approach than in the past because of this sub. I do CICO, but I still allow myself to eat unhealthy things as long as I can fit them into my calorie count. Because of this, I don't really feel restricted and my view on eating typically unhealthy food isn't nearly as fatalistic as it used to be. It feels like a sustainable lifestyle change rather than a short term crash diet. I've been able to keep it up for a month and a half so far, which is longer than I've ever been consistent before.
Which brings me to last night. Last night I binged pretty hard, and I thought sharing it with this sub might be helpful. I was originally planning to work the meal into my calorie count, and had done a pretty good job throughout the day of making that happen. I had a light breakfast and lunch and went on a long run, which left me with about 1000 calories to work with just for the one meal. I was really excited! And then I drank wine and totally lost control. I binged hard on pasta, garlic bread, and cake, to the point that my stomach was actually uncomfortable - and even then I still wanted to eat more. It was like all of my cravings from the last month and a half hit me all at once. But I reached a certain point where the cravings weren't stopping but I knew I needed to - so I drank a huge bottle of water and went to bed instead of continuing. I woke up in the morning feeling like absolute garbage. I was really dehydrated from the wine, my stomach was bloated, I was lethargic with no energy, and I had gained 3 pounds.
But, I'm proud of myself for two reasons. The first is that I logged all of it. I logged the entire binge session - every piece of cake, every glass of wine. MyFitnessPal says I went about 1000 calories over budget (on top of the 1000 calorie leeway I already had), and realistically it was probably more than that because I had to estimate some things. Before, I would never have logged it because I wouldn't want to acknowledge what I had done. I never liked seeing any imperfections in my diet, so I wouldn't record it. This time, I've got all the numbers and it is giving me much better perspective about the damage a binge session can do.
The second reason is that before, I would have considered all of my progress lost and just binged right away again this morning while feeling sorry for myself. But when I woke up and saw the number on the scale, all I wanted to do was get back on track. I wanted to go back to eating healthy food because my body felt bad, not because I was ashamed of myself. I had a light breakfast, then planned my meals for the rest of the day to fit back into my CICO plan on MyFitnessPal. I'll be having fish and lots of fruits and vegetables today. I'm going to the gym right after I post this. I'm actually feeling very positive despite the binge and I'm excited to get back on track. I'm not happy that I did it, but I'm also not letting it affect the decisions I make moving forward. Yesterday night does not get to dictate what the rest of my week will be like.
I hope that this post is helpful to somebody. Maybe it will be something inspiring that another person needs to see today. Keep up with your journey and remember that one bad day is an isolated event - don't let it turn in to a bad week and then a bad month. You can absolutely achieve your goals and develop a healthy mindset along the way. Much love to this sub for helping me change my approach.
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