Gaining weight again and can't find the motivation to reverse it

Depressing post alert - you've been warned!

I was supposed to be celebrating a year of successful maintenance today, but instead, according to the scale I've just hit 10 lbs gained since December. I understand that's hardly consequential to some, but that's 25% of what I lost in the first place undone in a matter of months. I went through a major life change in January that completely destroyed my regular exercise schedule in addition to causing me great stress, and I began eating and drinking more instead of less.

I've tried to revert back to my old habits an embarrassing number of times, but nothing I do seems to stick and I just keep gaining and gaining. I'm still calorie counting every day, as I have been since January 2018, but I no longer pay any attention to my numbers or whether or not I log something accurately, except when I eat so much over my daily target that I think of purging (although I've never successfully done that). I joined the gym again (even though I prefer to exercise at home, I somehow thought the act of spending money on a gym membership would force me to go), but the very thought of going exhausts me, and I don't even care about the sunk cost. I don't know how to get myself to care again. I've scheduled a counseling session for April, at least.

I am paralyzed by the fear that I am powerless to stop things from snowballing and that things will never go back to how they were as recently as December, when I still chose foods that would fuel my body, strove for new fitness milestones, and actually had fun doing it. I know I already did it once and can do it again, but I never WANTED to do it again, and I worked so hard every day to maintain for 10 months that I am so angry with myself for putting myself in a position where I have to diet again or else risk ending up back where I started. I find myself falling into the thought pattern that maybe I was never meant to lose the weight in the first place, that the changes I made to my lifestyle were not and could not be permanent, that there was no point to doing any of this. I can't help but feel hopeless. Maybe some of you have gone through something similar and come out on the other side. Can someone please help me find the motivation to keep going?

submitted by /u/Enin
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