Can't get motivated to lose weight. :(

I want to lose weight, so bad. I weigh 240 lbs and I'm only 5'2. I had two miscarriages last summer and I've put on so much weight since. I used to weigh 135 and I really want to get back there but I just don't know what to do. I convince myself that I'm happy being fat when I try to diet but I know I'm not. I start a diet and within a couple of days I'm back to normal. I'm busy as hell- I freelance write, I work a full time job, I have two kids, and I'm a full time student. So I just grab food fast, no matter what it is, and it's killing me. I have so many health problems because of it. I know I look awful. But unless I have someone behind me constantly motivating me I just can't seem to do it. I signed up for noom but my goal specialist wouldn't answer my messages. I've tried weight watchers but, again, I just don't stick to it. And I know I need to exercise but I'm terrified of the gym. I don't know how to do anything. This is really affecting my self esteem and, to be frank, I don't want to be fat next year when I graduate college. I want to look back on those pictures and not be embarrassed because of my weight. I went to the gym with a friend once several months ago and it made me so physically ill because I was trying to keep up with her (she only weighs 120). I'm so depressed.

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