I've been overweight since I was a child. But what started out as a few vanity pounds through my teenage and college years has hit an unhealthy level as an adult. My BMI range is now obese and I need to lose at least 75 pounds to be truly healthy. It's crazy how it can seemingly appear overnight. I just took my before pictures and really looked at myself for the first time in I don't know how long, and what I saw was devastating. I don't recognize myself anymore.
I've suffered from depression for many years but the past 5, for various personal and professional setbacks, have brought me to some of the darkest points of my life. I became increasingly isolated and apathetic about everything, including my looks and health. I didn't socialize, dress nicely, take pictures, or really look in a mirror any longer than I had to. I just went through life in a haze and food was one of the few things that helped me cope.
Fast forward to the complete breakdown of my 6 year relationship, and I've finally realized that I can't keep living like this. My heartbreak over losing someone I love has helped me see that I'm more invested in my life than I had thought. I had just taken it for granted. My depression is a part of who I am and always will be to some extent, but I'm done giving in to it without at least putting up a fight. I lost my SO but I've gained a newfound motivation. I've called up old friends, am moving to a new city, making a complete career switch, and best of all, I finally called a counselor. I'm literally trying to save my own life. I have to find a way back to me. I loved my ex with all my heart, but now I'm going to try to love myself even more.
My weight is just one aspect of my happiness, but it's one I can actively work to improve every single day. I've started and failed so many diets, yo-yo'd in motivation, and just felt helpless to my body but I think I've finally found the desire I needed. This time around, my motivation is coming from my heart, not my mind. It's not about fitting into a swimsuit, or impressing a guy, or feeling better in pictures, it's about just being ok with being me. Being able to get out of bed day in and day out and just smile. It sounds so unbelievably simple but in the worst of my depression (especially this heartbreak) even trying to fake a smile took unbelievable effort. Now I'm finding a way to genuinely smile and be proud of myself.
I'm in my 30s, so I'm starting to realize that I simply can't take my health for granted anymore (physical or mental). I went to my first gym class in years last night and while I had to slink out the back after 15 minutes, I was still unbelievably proud. I felt so good that I stayed and walked on the treadmill the rest of the time. I will keep showing up until I can complete the class in full. I'm not giving up and going back to who I was before. It's just not an option.
I'll always have cravings for the unhealthy foods I love, but right now my craving is so much deeper. I'm craving the kind of comfort that I know food will never give me. I'm finally taking a good, long look at what I really need. I'm becoming in control of my life again.
Sorry for the rambling but I can feel a huge, integral shift in my mind and life and I needed to put it out in the universe. After 20 years of feeling helpless to change myself and my life, I finally feel powerful enough to actually do it. When I do reach my goal weight, I know that how I feel will be my real accomplishment. Looking better will just be a bonus ;)
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2MQWSET
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