I'm not familiar with american measurements so I will just use kg. In the last 10 years, I've gone up and down between 75 kg and 107 kg at least 4 times. Just 3 years ago, I managed to reach 76 kg, with 10% body fat, and it wasn't a shock diet, I ate healthy every day for 6 months, while going to gym 4-5 times a week. Yet today I'm 115 kg, my all-time high. I just feel extremely bad. I used to think that I'm just not good at controlling myself, but I think I'm actually mentally ill when it comes to eating.
When I think about it, I always try to optimize 'food amount'/money ratio as high as possible while ordering food, always finish my plate even if I actually feel full and if there is any snack on my working table, I eat it.
I don't even eat any dessert, use sugar cubes on my drinks, or drink much soda. I just ate a lot, and for the first time in 25 years, I feel like I'm starting to hate myself. Not necessarily because how I look in front of the mirror (can't say it's not effective, though), but because of my inability to lose weight and stay there.
I graduated from college this summer, rent my own house and live alone while working full time, and I really feel like everything is falling apart and I'm dragged to be worse and worse. I'm sure that there are people here who has experienced the exact same stuff before, so I would really appreciate any advice, thanks.
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