Where do I even start... I'm beyond disgusted with myself because I am at the heaviest I've ever weighed (252.8 lbs as of yesterday morning)! I'm at a point where I'm so disgusted by my size I don't even feel like I deserve decent clothing anymore. I'm a single Mom that rarely leaves the house, and unless I'm going out I'm wearing pj pants and shirts that anyone else would have probably thrown out long ago. I was doing pretty well up until Christmas last year. I was at 215 lbs (I had started at 235.6 lbs) and was counting calories, but then I slacked off at Christmas thinking I would pick right up again in the new year and well, here I am about a year later and 37 lbs heavier!
I have done lot of thinking this past year though and I've tried to understand more about why I over-eat even though I hate what it's doing to me. I've come to the realization that I'm an emotional eater (even though before I thought I just ate out of pure boredom and habit). I've been trying to block out any thoughts I didn't like instead of facing them, which I realize probably wasn't 'healthy'.
Basically I've realized that the source of my over-eating comes from a combination of experiences that has led to me not caring about myself enough to feel like I'm worth changing for.
I started gaining weight during my stay in rehab after my spinal cord injury and it just kind of ballooned from there during the next 14 years. With each lengthy hospital stay I would lose weight and gain it back once I got out and had access to food that didn't taste like cardboard anymore. I've never had a relationship where the person I was with didn't want to hide me from at least some of their friends and family because as one guy put it what if they saw him with me and didn't think he could get a 'normal' girl. As a young child who barely ate anything I was constantly told to 'eat everything on my plate because there were other kids who were starving in the world' (I never did understand how me eating more would help them) and would be made to sit at the table until I cleaned my plate (even though the battle of wills would always end in my mother eventually giving up after hours of me still refusing to eat). I eventually ended up in a relationship with a guy who completely accepted my disabilities (I'm also legally blind) and things were going well, but then I realized that he had a thing for girls in wheelchairs and that freaked me out for a while. I thought at least he wasn't trying to push me out into the street if he saw his friends so they wouldn't see me and he accepted me for me so I decided to stay with him. It turns out he also liked big girls and at that point I thought 'great, I can keep him happy and feel better about myself' so I ended up gaining even more weight. I eventually left him and ended up having to use a power wheelchair for about 3 years (not because of my weight. I was just over 200 lbs at that pint). Add to that needing a feeding tube for a couple of years because I got really sick and I still had some issues once I was taken off of the ventilator etc. and me wanting to eat ALL of the food when I eventually could eat again and then an abusive relationship where I was only allowed to eat a handful of different foods in way too small portions (most of which I didn't even like) and the added stress of being pregnant, child services trying to take my daughter away purely because of my disabilities and having to stay in that situation and pretend that everything was fine so I'd be allowed to keep my daughter while planning our escape and then getting us far away from there when she was still an infant, but having the constant stress of having a file open with child services for the first 2 years of her life all because I moved and they are so over-worked, well all of the stress and emotional turmoil caused me to eat more and more. If I was feeling anxious, or sad or any way I didn't like I distracted myself by eating.
Then things started calming down and as we settled into our new home and the stress of child services hanging over our heads went away I decided it was time to do something about my weight! I started counting calories and things were going really well, but no one seemed to even notice. My Mom and step-dad are here practically every day (sometimes multiple times a day). At the time I was also trying to get my broken wheelchair replaced and I saw an occupational therapist and the head of the OT dept. quite a bit throughout the months. During every appointment I'd let them know how much more weight I'd lost and they'd come right back at me telling me how I was just going to gain it all back and then some and how I'd need a much larger wheelchair than fit me at the appointments. I tried to stay positive, but the fact that I would regain all of the weight I was working so hard to lose was repeated to me every time I communicated to them in person, by phone or by email really got me down and in the mindset of 'I'm going to end up with a wheelchair that is about a foot too wide for me and a lot heavier than one that fit and pushing it is going to wreck my shoulders so what's the point in even trying started to set in'. After many months I managed to convince them to order a wheelchair that was a lot heavier than other ones, but it's adjustable so I could make the seat narrower as I lost weight. I was also getting a wheel that could attach to the front so I could get outside and was really looking forward to it! By the time last Christmas rolled around I was using a wheelchair that was barely being held together with cables with cracks up and down the frame and the new one wasn't anywhere in sight. I should have had both the wheelchair and Freewheel attachment months earlier and I was not looking forward to being stuck inside for the long Canadian winter that was ahead of us. That's when my diet really started falling apart. 'I'll just relax for Christmas day' turned into 'I'll take a break and start right back up again in the New year' and eventually turned into 'What's the point?'
I had basically been imprisoned by a psychopath before I escaped with my daughter and now I was stuck inside again because of the ruralness of the area. I finally got my new wheelchair and the Freewheel, but the wheel was measured wrong so it had to be replaced. Eventually the summer came and went and I thanks to the help of family, friends and the Lions Club I got a handcycle so I can get outside with my daughter, although by the time I got it and adjusted everything and found out that I need shorter hand cranks it was late Fall and I barely had a chance to get outside, but I'm really looking forward to getting out and exploring with my daughter in the Spring! Meanwhile, I still haven't heard anything about the Freewheel being replaced with one that actually fits my chair!
So I'm currently at the point where I'm trying to figure out how to learn to love (or at least like) myself enough to care again. I am beyond grateful every second of every day that I have my daughter and I'm so thankful for the handcycle that will allow us to be more independent. I'm just trying to figure out how to even begin to deal with my over-eating now that I've figured out the source of it. I'm want to start fresh in the new year and not worry about all of the weight I've gained and prepare myself to the best of my ability to get out be active this Spring!
I didn't mean to write an essay, but I don't have anyone to talk to who I think would understand and I'm hoping someone in this group will have some advice. Also, if anyone do reply soon after this post is up I'm not ignoring your comment. It's 2:46am here and I should try to get some sleep now that all of that is off my mind.
tl;dr - I finally figured out the source of my food addiction. Now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it and learn to love myself again.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2UW1b5b
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