Hello all,
I desperately need to lose weight. I'm 26F, 5 foot 6, 275lbs. My BMI is 44.4. I wear a UK dress size 22 - and I'm pushing it a bit in some of my clothes, they should probably be a 24. I'm so ashamed of my body, every time I catch sight of myself in a mirror I think about how much I hate it and how I've let my body down. It's now punishing me by letting me down too. A flight of stairs or a hill has me out of breath, running is out of the question, and I'm constantly uncomfortable. I'm starting to get short of breath at random times. To complicate things, I have some health problems that cause fatigue and joint pain, and currently there's some concern that I might be developing rheumatoid arthritis. My joints hurt (not just my weight bearing ones), but I have no doubt that if I lost weight the pain would be improved. I suffer quite badly with depression and low self esteem, and it becomes a vicious cycle of eating because I'm sad, putting on weight, feeling terrible because of it, then eating more. I've tried to diet so many times, but I've always piled the weight back on and more.
I've been overweight as long as I can remember - as an eight year old I hit eight stone, and that just isn't healthy. My father is very overweight, my mother was slim growing up but after having children is now overweight, my next brother in age is perhaps a little overweight but quite sporty. My two younger siblings are slim and fit, and it kills me that I don't get to be like them.
I'm now in my last year of medical school, and living alone for the first time in my life. All my friends are fit and healthy, and I've missed out on so much because of my weight. I was too fat to apply for observer shifts with the air ambulance. I can't go on runs with my friends. When we went for a gentle hike, it killed me and it was humiliating. They wear lovely dresses to the ball each year, and I look hideous and dare not shop with them for fear they'll find out how huge I am (as if they don't know?) I can't even shop in normal high street shops. I really struggle to get scrubs and things big enough when I'm on placement.
An even bigger problem is going to rear its head soon though - medicine is hard work physically, and right now I'm going to really struggle with that. I couldn't possibly run across the hospital to a cardiac arrest call - I'm winded walking up 2 flights of stairs to a ward. While my health conditions will impact me a bit, if I don't make a change soon I'm going to become so unfit and unwell that my dream career in emergency medicine is not going to happen, and all the work I've put in over the last few years will be for nothing. I'm going to have to tell my overweight patients that they should try and lose some weight and do some exercise - but who the hell would take any advice from a doctor of my size?
So here I am, trying to make a change. My ultimate goal weight is 140lbs, but as I've never been a normal weight, I don't actually know what I should aim at. I could be happier being a bit curvier so long as I was healthy - a UK size 12 sounds like a dream to me right now. I know I have a long way to go, and I will definitely lose my way in places, but I need to learn to accept that that's okay.
I am setting myself a sort of halfway goal - onederland (which I haven't seen since I was 17) by graduation. I think I have around 45 weeks until I graduate, so if I can lose 2lbs per week it's an achievable goal for sure. I can't bear the thought of looking the way I do now in my graduation photos and at my grad ball, so I desperately need to start now if I'm going to hit my goals and make a really positive change in my life.
My plan is essentially to track my food intake with MFP, and focus on eating good quality, healthy food. I love a takeaway in my pyjamas and I need to be kind to myself and not berate myself if I do fall off the wagon and completely give up, but it's time to make some healthier habits. I do have a gym membership and I do plan on going back (made some good progress back in January but gave it up as usual), just being careful around my health issues.
Thank you to anyone who has actually read this whole ramble! It feels good to get it all out there. I've been so inspired by everything I've seen on this forum, so I really hope I can join your ranks soon and start making some positive changes in my life!
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