I have struggled with my self image, self confidence, and weight ever since I can remember. To this day, they are an issue in my life.
These things led to some very disordered eating as a teenager. I was starving myself and then binging and then starving myself from the time I was 14-16. My lowest weight was around 129 pounds from 160 or so.
I was visibly skinny, being 5'10 at the time. My collarbones were prominent. My hip homes were starting to peek outm I could finally fit into a size 4/6, etc. I was proud of the skeleton I was becoming.
However, I was always cold. I was wearing sweaters in summer and still cold. I was bruising so easily, my then-boyfriend could tickle me and bruise my ribs. I stopped going out with friends so I didn't have to eat around them. I was always so, so tired. I couldn't get out of bed some days I was so exhausted. From not eating? From hiding this suffering? Both, probably.
Then, my mom threw out the damn scale and I lost any sense of control I had. (Eating disorders are about control, you know? At least for me, not eating was the only thing I could control in my life. Everything else was chaotic and messy and terrible.)
After I lost that sense of control, I started eating like crazy. I ballooned up from 129 pounds to 170. Then 180. After I moved out at 18, I was 190. This last year and a half, I've packed on another 15 pounds.
I started struggling with the thoughts of disordered eating again. Starving myself for a day, binging the next and then some, rinse, wash, and repeat. I just wanted to be tiny again. Around that same time, I started reading the posts on this sub.
People who only needed to lose 10 pounds, those who have lost 200 and counting. Nonscale victories about running a mile and scale victories of finally getting into one!derland. I started to see a pattern- people did not get to their goals by endless starvation and crash diets. It was in a healthy, sustainable way. It let them eat three square meals a day! They had energy to run that mile!
Deep down, I think we all know this is the way to do it but we are always looking for the easiest way out. I realize that I did not gain 70 pounds overnight. I will not lose them overnight. I will lose them slowly but surely, in a maintainable way.
I'm down from 203 > 197, so only about six pounds. However! That's six pounds I don't have to worry about. I already see a change in my mood. I signed up for and have started training for a 5k. I rode a 15 mile bike ride which is a personal best. I'm pushing myself but doing it healthily. Without this sub and reading everyone's trials and errors, their successes and downfalls, I wouldn't be here right now.
So thank you r/loseit. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone, that this is possible, and that weightloss does NOT have to compromise my health. Instead, it should improve it. Thank you all so, so much.
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