I'm at the end of my rope here, and that's extremely embarrassing to admit. I can't go on like this anymore. It might be life or death, if it isn't already too late. For starters, I'm a 21 year old male and I currently weigh around 430 lbs. And I hate myself for admitting that. I've always been fat, or so I thought. I recently went back and looked at some old photos of myself in late elementary school, and I was pretty normal. Which honestly blew my mind because kids made fun of me for being huge back then. And looking at those pictures and realizing how far I've fallen has sent me down a bad spiral.
Three years ago, I weighed 320 lbs. I was walking every day, eating significantly less and losing a ton of weight. And I felt so much better too. But the last few years have been hard for me. I struggle with severe anxiety and moderate depression, and of course eating is my crutch. It doesn't help that I have OCD and that my eating is obsessive in its nature. But believe me, every time I realize that I've gained over a hundred lbs since then, I hate myself. It makes me feel like complete shit.
And recently my anxiety has been at an all-time high. I'm convinced that my heart is failing and that I'm going to die. I feel like it's too late and that I've wasted my life, which is honestly my biggest fear. I'm terrified of dying, and it's the root of my anxiety. It's funny how my fear of death can drive me to a habit that will kill me. I've seen several doctors, and I see two therapists. I've had multiple EKGs done in the last few months, which have all been fine. But of course an EKG can't detect heart failure and as soon as I found that out, I was back at square one.
And so I'm at my lowest of lows. But I want things to be different. Maybe reaching out will help me stick to my goals this time. Who knows? But what I do know is that I need help. I get the basics. Calories in, calories out. I know what to do. I've done it before and had some pretty major success. But I feel like I can't reach that place again. And it doesn't help that I have no support at home. My dad is just as unhealthy as me, and he is very much an enabler.
I don't know. I'm rambling. But I'm deeply upset and I just want to be okay. That's all I want. I just want to be happy and to do something with my life. I don't want to die today, tomorrow, or five years from now. I want to live a full life that allows me to contribute to this world in some meaningful way. Maybe this will lead me down that path. But I can't shake the feeling that there's no hope left.
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