I’ll try to get right to the point here, but I’m going to need you to stay with me and give me a little patience and room to vent…
I detest this subreddit. I don’t care for any of the members or attitude, probably including you. Everyone here has lost 3 million pounds, has turned their lives around, and is super content. And that’s a great thing. But unfortunately, I’m one of those bitter, hateful, and extraordinarily envious individuals who cannot get behind you, so it honestly just pisses me off. I just stand on the sidelines and eye your hard work with extreme contempt. “Why do they succeed when I can’t? How can they do it? They don’t deserve it any more than I do?” I know, life’s not fair. I get it. But it doesn’t change how I feel.
I joined r/loseit several years back for the same reasons you probably did. To seek motivation from others and to possibly achieve my biggest life long dream: to lose weight and get in shape to become a more confident and healthy human being. But I never felt like I really saw any stories I could identify with. Everyone seemed so damn successful and unstoppable. It almost started to feel like a popular high school clique. Even the worst failures seemed to be like, “I had a jelly bean today, but I won’t let it mess up my new lifestyle, since I’ve lost 127 lbs. so far!!” This pattern continued. I never saw posts about consistent struggles and pictures of people reverting to old habits and failing time after time. I never heard anyone speak of depression, breaking down, or true hardship. It was your standard social media page of perfect highlights and no real dips or downs. Or, perhaps, it just came off that way to me. Or maybe I’m not alone and the ones suffering the most are the quietest.
Regardless, after a while, the NSVs, the progress pics, the success stories did nothing to motivate me. They just simultaneously depressed and infuriated me, further reinforcing the idea these powerfully motivated people were either super heroes or maybe just liars. This was rapidly followed by envy and hate. And here we are.
So, today, I come to you as a judgmental, hateful, and jealous man to seek input and possibly support. I am a 400 lb man in his late 30’s who has hated himself since he was 14 (yeah, here comes my pity party). I’ve tried lifestyle changes several times, as well as just simple dieting/exercising routines, but I consistently end up failing due to seemingly being emotionally addicted to food. To me, I get the same rush of happiness from eating that I do from going on a day trip to the beach with a group of friends. And I just eventually break down crying and slip up, completely falling off the wagon. I do experience anxiety and depression, but nothing I would classify as severe. I just feel broken and destined to plod along in my own fat until death. I feel lost, hopeless, and extreme resentment and jealousy towards others over their successes. I know I have multiple problems here, but I’m attempting to honestly share (maybe not in the most polite or constructive way) my thoughts and feelings with the community to possibly receive some direction.
Am I the only one who feels like this? Were (or are) any of you in a similar spot? Do I require mental counseling?
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