cw: EDs
We know CICO works in this community. Many of us have dropped weight we were never able to by reducing our diets to basic math. Its effectiveness is just about irrefutable. And I wish it were sustainable for me long-term, but it may not be.
Awhile ago there was a mod post warning about eating under 1200 cals, with, iirc, a subtext around developing eating disorders.
I've personally always felt like I was on the cusp of an ED, but didn't have the "willpower" to actually starve myself for more than half a day, and was never drawn to purging, so I thought I was all good. But I didn't realize that my "problematic relationship with food" went back my ENTIRE LIFE and has always been an ED.
My story:
I grew up in a household with very restricted food. We didn't have a lot of money, and meals were often a dry slab of meat with some potatoes. I got a peanut-butter sandwich for lunch. And usually a small amount of dessert, like two small homemade cookies. I was constantly hungry. I'd ask for more, but the answer was always no. On weekend mornings after a grocery trip I'd sneak an extra bowl of cereal if I were up first. I'd take an extra sliver of cake when no one was watching. My parents didn't care whether or not I liked the food they made, and if I didn't eat it, I was sent immediately to bed at dinner time.
My grandparents, on the other hand, had an open kitchen policy, and my grandmother loved nothing more than to make big, hearty meals and desserts for us. We usually saw them once a week. I think by the age of seven or eight I had developed this cycle of starving all week and binging at their house.
I was a skinny kid until puberty hit. Then I started to balloon. During my high school years, I went from bone-thin to chubby to average, to everything in between. My parents split, which left us with less restriction, but even less money. There were days when there was literally nothing in the cupboard. When I'd give anything for a slice of bread. I worked at fast food joints, so I'd usually eat there with my discount. I was either starving or wolfing down burgers.
In university I had an all-access pass to the cafeteria. And I had no self-control. There was no way I was skipping soda, or chocolate milk, or dessert, or a carby fatty pasta meal. I gained 20 lbs in a semester.
A decade later and I'm only now realizing that everything I've tried since then: the fad diets, the food restrictions, the fasting, the CICO, the whatever--is all because of this pattern I can't seem to escape. I can do anything for a few days. I can lose 5 lbs. I MAGICALLY lost 10 doing CICO, and was singing its praises along with the rest of you. But it's back because over the last two weeks I've binged on junk food every single night until I physically couldn't anymore. And I know we say log everything, but when you aren't just going over by a few hundred cals--when you have to look at the back of a full-size bag of chips--there's a shame that stops me. Because I know without logging that I just ate three days worth of cals in one sitting.
I'm not a big person. I'm not a visible success story. I'm someone constantly struggling to maintain, or to drop maybe 10lbs. From one week to the next I feel completely different. I'm my own saboteur.
I get pleasure from sneaking food. I'm addicted to being alone with my fast food and snacks. I'm addicted to the cycle of food and Netflix. (I think I've just decided to get rid of my Netflix. So thanks for letting me vent here!). I probably need therapy, and I may need medication. I know my current medication for my mental health may be having an impact here, but it's really just highlighted a lifetime of struggles.
If I can give advice:
It would be to be mindful of your own relationship with food. Maybe keep a food journal that isn't just logging calories, but explores when you ate which kinds and volumes of food, and how you're feeling before and after meals. I praised IF so much over the last year, but if I can overdo my daily cals in one sitting, what's the point?
It's possible that CICO, while highly effective, may be detrimental to those of us whose brains can't easily distinguish between a food want and a food need. Yes, CICO is the core of all weight loss and dieting, I get that. But there is more than one way to approach it. And maybe we don't have to treat this like a race. You want a summer body? Go put your body in that summer. On that beach. Our bodies are for us, and no one else. We don't have to have it all figured out, but if our goals are ultimately about health, we can't restrict to our mental (and potentially physical) detriment.
This sub is so wonderful and supportive, but I do think we often talk about how simple CICO is without talking about how simultaneously difficult it can be. We all want to make a lifestyle change, but some of us have more barriers in the way that we may need to deal with first.
edit: I've also just unsubscribed from all diet/fitness/food-related subs including this one. You guys are awesome, but I gotta stop surrounding myself with this.
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