I'm going insane

Hi, I'm f21 and I weight about 53kg (116lbs) . I would like to be around 46kg, or just Look good to myself in general. I'm 152cm (4'12") so I'm really short.That means my metabolic rate itself is around 1200 kcal or even less. (Some sources say 1100) I've been trying to be on a deficit of 1200 kcal. I'm still very hungry and nauseous all the time. It even makes me depressed. I still want to lose weight but I feel so bad. I can't even look at myself from the mirror cause I'm so disgusted of myself. So I have to do this so I can feel good about myself. I eat healthy and lots of protein too. What do I do? I can't eat more because then I'm not on a deficit anymore. I guess I'm just searching for some encouragement...

I go to the gym few times a week and that's why I try to eat protein, so my muscles don't disappear.

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