I can't believe its come to the point where I'm so fed up with everything that I now have to come on Reddit to rant. My friends are trustworthy and safe, but I just don't want to talk about anything "weight" related with them because it just makes me feel sick. I'm 5 foot, and weight 115 pounds on a bad day, and 113 on a good one (my weight literally fluctuates every day). I used to eat like shit in high school, (granola bar or some sugary thing for breakfast, half a school lunch, massive starbucks coffee, then something like chipotle or homecooked for dinner) but for some reason I never gained weight. I probably lifted like 3 times a week back then, and while I didn't weight myself (probs because I was genuinely happy and could eat whatever I wanted without LOOKING like I gained weight), I had a really flat stomach naturally. Now, in college, initially I gained some weight because I probably overate in the first few weeks at the dining halls. I got on a scale, and fucking freaked out when I saw I now weighed 114 pounds. For context, the last time I knew my weight was 1 year ago, at a physical, and I was 105 pounds then. That shit fucked me up, and I've been literally consumed by diet culture and eating habits since. My whole tik tok for you page is filled with "what I eat in a days" and "lowcal foods". And before you suggest a deficit, I have been trying to hard to stay in a deficit. I think I'm just struggling with how much my mind has become consumed by food, which NEVER used to happen to me. Now that I only eat healthy (protein rich, fruits, veggies, cut out all of my fav sugary drinks, barely any desserts and if I have some, portions are regulated), I just feel consumed by my diet. I just hate college so much for fucking up my body. Im deadass crying while typing this because I feel like I'm going crazy. I am not fat by any means, and I walk 4-5 miles a day, do 1 hour cardio every other day, strength train, and in fact, my friends always comment on my abs, but I know that now, I have more weight than I used to. My jeans are slightly tighter, and my face is slightly bloated. I just don't understand why I was so skinny eating 90 percent sugar in my senior year, and now that I'm eating better quality food in moderation I just have this weight. And yes, I know that in the grand scheme, I'm probably calorically eating more here, but I just don't know what to do. I deadass wish I was strong enough to starve myself but I just get so agitated and I know scientifically it's gonna fuck up my metabolism so I don't want to do that, but then when I eat I still fucking am not loosing weight. It's just so sad that I used to dream about attending college, and now I hate it because it gave me the biggest insecurity I could've ever asked for. I look at old pictures and literally start to cry, not because there's a huge difference in how I look (I still look pretty much the same, it's just that my stomach went from a 25 to a 27 probs) but because old me was genuienly so blissfully ignorant to food, and it wasn't something on my mind 24/7. I wouldn't wake up thinking about what to eat thats the most lowcal breakfast, then looking forward to a lowcal lunch, wrapping it with a local high protein dinner and fucking BARTERING with myself to "spend" calories on a little treat. She just ate what she wanted. I dont know what to do. All I want is to be happy again and be 105 pounds.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/UgjQs0e
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