Hey guys, I’m trying to acknowledge my actions and am hoping by sharing it with you lovely folks I will feel a little more encouraged to stop next time, like an accountability buddy or something? Advice/resources more than welcome!
Honestly I just need to vent and get all my thoughts out in the open. I feel like no one else ik IRL comprehends my struggle. As much as I want to be self-reliant and disciplined in losing weight (and in general) I really struggle with it. It’s like I want it so bad, I think about it everyday of my life for as long as I can remember. I binge watch the shit out of transformation vids/pics/accounts/stories; it’s so inspiring to me. But, I get super frustrated because although I’m otherwise a really strong and determined person, when it comes to my relationship with food, I just can’t stop the self-sabotage and vicious cycle of binge eating/emotional reliance on it and subsequent weight gain. I use food to (briefly) relieve my negative mental state because it’s like I get this quick high as I’m eating and I stop feeling like trash for that moment, what’s super dangerous is when I go into binge mode and it’s like I’ll eat even if I don’t want to eat; I’m not even getting the brief high I usually get yet I’m still eating... I just lose total control. I’ve eaten myself sick countless times growing up, hid food, etc but have been better at controlling it the past couple years.
I know I will be 100x healthier and happier in so many ways once I get my weight and relationship with food under control. I feel like I can’t stop feeling shitty until I lose weight, but because I feel so shitty I can’t find the self-motivation/discipline/love to make it happen. Back in 2013 I managed to get down to 150 lb but it steadily increased to my HW by the end of the 4yr (largely toxic) relationship I was in. I feel like I have the technical knowledge under my belt (micros/macros could use work), I just can’t figure out how to get my drive/mojo back.
Some quick background on me (5,2”,F, HW:225lb+ (~2018), LW: 150lb. (2013) CW: ~185lb, GW:160, LTGW:130-140), I have PCOS, life-long weight(loss) issues, a plethora mental Heath diagnoses (ive been seeing professional help, med management regularly since the past year or so), bad metabolism, considerable weight fluctuation (15-20lb+), etc.
Up until a few weeks ago I had for the past couple months been doing pretty well with consistent IF (16:8), not overeating, aiming towards more balanced macros/micros etc. I was at 188 at the most recent start and I got down to like 175 after a couple months. I know I can do it, but don’t know how to get myself to.
Thanks for reading, and it felt good to vent my frustrations even if you didn’t lol.
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