Hey guys, throwaway account because I’m paranoid about being recognized. To give background, I was “seeing” a guy from work about 2 years ago. I put quotation marks on the word seeing because we weren’t really in a relationship but more like dating and seeing where it goes. That lasted more than a year and his reasoning for not going into a full on relationship with me was because I was just “too big for him” and he didn’t want others to know about us. I was about 215lbs at the time, heaviest I’ve been. I know this sounds ridiculous but I stuck around that long because of my own insecurities, thinking I didn’t deserve better at my weight, being codependent etc. Pretty much ended on bad terms and was the most hurtful rollercoaster of a year for me, that even 2 years later, I still haven’t opened up to any guy, kissed or even thought about dating again.
You’d think that slap in the face would be enough to convince me to lose weight but with an eating disorder, I eventually got depression as well and ballooned up to 258 last year. I moved work buildings so I was not seeing him in passing at all for the last 2 years. Well, this year I made a promise to myself and finally felt like enough was enough and I didn’t want to go past 258. I started January and today I am now at 202lbs doing CICO and working out. I did this for me and no one else and I’m feeling pretty good/ positive about my body. That’s pretty much until today. I honestly have always thought about what if one day I end up seeing him in passing and the thought still gives me so much anxiety and insecurity that I purposely wear nice fitting clothes when I know I’m passing near where I might see him. Well today I was running late for work and I said whatever, I’ll wear a big old hoodie and I was in a hurry walking to my building (crazy hair as well). I make a turn and I see him walking towards me with a smug smile. He said a quick “hi”, I just said “hey” real quick and was walking pretty fast because I was late and I wanted to get out of the situation.
I’m walking away with so many negative thoughts in my head like “Why tf did I wear this huge hoodie today, I look so big in this”, “He’s smiling cause he probably thought, wow she really hasn’t lost any weight this whole time, I was so right dropping her”, or “I should’ve pushed harder and lost weight faster”. Damn, I am so conflicted at the moment and I feel bad almost to myself for having these thoughts, just because of an asshole who hasn’t mattered in 2 years. I was 215 when he said I was “too big for him”. He didn’t know I gained even more weight after that. And now having lost about 56lbs and sitting at 202, I still felt like a loser in that moment. I hate myself for feeling this way when I have worked so hard since January. I guess I’m posting this to get advice on how to move forward mentally from this because I’m pretty much lost and I definitely need a pick me up!
Thank you guys in advance for reading this long post!
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3giuZns
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