Help me understand Hi everyone! F 29, 5"1 58.6 kg (128lbs?) This will be a long story so sorry about that. Basically, I had very bad anorexia from 15-21 years old. After that, I managed to maintain a healthy weight, sometimes the lower end of healthy, relatively easily. Not consciously restricting or over exercising. Fast forward go about 26 years and I suppose I had a relapse. No where near as bad as my teens, but I was restricting a lot and focused on my weight and underweight. Mainly the thought patterns came back. I knew I couldn't carry on, so I looked into healthy weight gain. Started working out and eating more. I gained more weight than I was happy with (now 5"1 and 55kg) so I tried to reduce healthily. No matter what I did, the scale did not budge. Went to docs, had very high cortisol. OK. Sorted that, so things should even out now. But they didnt. Now I've been so unhappy as everything that is supposed to make sense, doesn't. So I'm back to restricting because 1500cals is not losing weight, so I try 1200,nothing,so I try less etc. Obviously not sustainable. That has pretty much been my last 3 years. I'm bigger than I have ever been and my brain is consumed with why I can't regain control of myself.
So! I decide let's get professional help. I hired a personal trainer who is very understanding. I slowly started eating more cals and more regularly and am working out with a plan. It's been about 6 weeks now and at first I was eating 1200cals to get used to it. Then he increased up to 1500. I am doing everything I am supposed to, eating everything, working out properly and my weight just keeps going up and up. Even the Personal Trainer is confused, he thinks maybe it's because I've restricted so long it's just going to take time to stabilise. But from my perspective, I'm now 58.6kg. I'm my highest weight, nothing fits and what if it just keeps going up? I don't understand how i can be gaining weight on defecit.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be unhealthy. Just back to a happy weight, 52kgs I'd be happy with! I do enjoy working out and I'm happy I'm eating better but my brain is still struggling with nothing going in the right direction.
I don't know what I want you to say, I'm just sad and overwhelmed and trying so hard.
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