I'd normally post this on my alt account, but I don't care anymore. I'm sorry if this is a bit long and slightly incoherent, I'm pretty drunk and very upset right now. If my IRL friends see it, fuck it, they can know how I really feel. I've been overweight since I was 12 or so, probably around the time I started to become depressed. You see, I have aspergers (I know it's outdated but I HATE the word 'autism', it's so ugly to me), which has made it pretty hard for me to socialize. I've come a long way on that end, but I'm still a pretty awkward guy and have never dated anyone etc. When I started realizing that I was different from my classmates/the bullying I received was "justified", I slumped lower and lower into a mental pit. As a result, I ate out of emotional distress, which made me fatter, which made me more bullied and depressed, which made me eat more...you get the point.
So after some failed attempts and pushing from my parents, I managed to drop some pounds. Not many, but enough that I wasn't on a path to be bedridden by 25. However, my depression intensified in high school, and with access to a car and a job, I could buy food in secrecy rather than sneak from my cupboard, and my weight rose again. The bullying stopped by senior year, but I was alone except for two close friends, and even then I feared seeing them or going out in public because I knew people would look at me as just some fat fuck rather than a regular person. I was diagnosed with depression, and put on meds and counseling.
Fast forward to my sophomore year of college, I've basically maintained my weight. I can socialize better but basically have no friends on my campus (I live on a satellite campus of Arizona State in Mesa, AZ), and am moving next semester so hopefully that helps. Right know I'm sitting at 275 and 6'0". I've put on some muscle from lifting, but still look like shit in the mirror. I keep trying to eat healthy and track calories, but I keep relapsing or yoyo-ing as they call it and I don't know why I keep fucking up. Maybe I'm just mentally and genetically deficient and don't deserve to live a happy and healthy life. Honestly, my parents deserved better.
I am obsessed with looking at myself in the mirror multiple times daily to see if my moobs are hidden enough. and if I look passable. If I see myself in a store window or a mirror and my gut or moobs are bulging out, or my acne is breaking out, something in the back of my mind screams to just end it, and it sounds more reasonable to me every passing day. Many time's I've left social events early in tears because I saw myself in a bathroom mirror, and can't bear to show myself to the public anyomre. I'm caring less about how me dying would tear apart my family and friends. In fact, I'm planning on buying a chest binder from gc2b that's normally for trans men to see if it does anything.
As of now, I'm going to give tracking and eating healthy another shot. I am out of town now, but I'm gonna toss out my whole fridge contents when I get home. I can't see it working again, though. I see counseling, but if I said I'm probably going to kill myself, to the hospital I go and goodbye college. If I complain about my body, she'll probably just refer me to a campus nutritionist/dietician, who'll tell me the same shit for $50 copay an appointment that I could read on this sub. If I can't force myself out of my rut I might be dead before I graduate. I really just need answers. I don't want to die, but my ways out are getting fewer very fast.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/31dzXsX
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