I started out at 342lbs and I was in major denial about how bad it really was. I still remember the day as a young girl getting complimented on how I did my makeup (Hello mini makeup artist in the making). "You are so pretty, you'd look so much prettier if you lost some weight!" Soul...Crushed!! I wasn't even that overweight as a child but without a doubt, still heavier than the majority of my peers. As I grew up I remained overweight and the prevailing consensus was that I had a pretty face...for a fat girl. I never had a problem finding a boyfriend or friends who would build me up to feel empowered about myself and my body. Even at my heaviest weight I still had compliments showered on me daily.
The honest truth and my big obese secret is, that it took being at the darkest moments of my life where it hurt me just to think about living one more day and feeling like I didn't have anything worth offering anyone anymore, to change. But, it wasn't one of those instant realizations that ignited the change, my grand epiphany was a sloooooow realization.
I would stay up all night long binge eating grocery bags full of all kinds of junk food and watch mukbangs on YouTube to feel less alone. I deliberately picked the overweight and morbidly obese channels to watch so I felt less guilty about being so fat and eating so much. Then one night, bored with the mukbang and not having anything else to eat I started reading the comments. I became obsessed with searching out the "negative ones" that were pointing out the creator's weight gain or unhealthy eating and how continuing this was going to kill them. My fragile mental state started internalizing the comments and I thought to myself, "This is exactly what people think about me but they just don't say it out loud. No one cares if these people are attractive, charismatic or have a money!! All thet see is a fat, unhealthy person." I stopped binge eating and instead would click on video after video, reading the comments and getting more and more disgusted with myself, directing all those comments at me as though they were meant for me. That's what motivated me to change. I didn't want to be known as the pretty fat girl & I didn't want my weight to be a secondary conversation people had in their heads anymore.
Today at 222lbs with another 60lbs to lose, I still use this method to keep me accountable. While I obviously appreciate the people in my life that have always supported me and tried to empower me to love myself, having a dose of reality from complete strangers, even if it's indirect, is refreshing to me.
If you're here reading this on your day one, or early in your journey and you have got a good 100lbs+ to lose please hear me... LOVE YOURSELF and believe that you ARE beautiful, worthy of respect and capable of achieving your goals! Simply by knowing you have to change and making active steps towards it means you believe it too. Keep fighting every single day to get there and to stay there because this journey is going to be hard. You'll want to ease up on dicipline when you achieve big milestones. Don't. You'll be discouraged when the scale doesn't move or you gain some of your weight back & you may want to give up. Don't. You may meet people who see you for the first time and they may still see you as fat even if you've lost 50, 60, 200lbs and worked damn hard for it. Their negativity may discourage you and make you feel like your dicipline was for nothing. Don't let it stop you. But also, don't fall back on denial about how much work you still have to do or be blind to the fact that some or most of the work has nothing at all to do with the scale.
It's one day at a time, one healthy choice at a time, one pound at a time.
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