I don't even know where to start. This is a doozy.
Basically, I'd always been athletic and svelte up until the age of ~23. I used to ride my bicycle regularly, walk long distances, and I loved to work out. Lifting weights was one of my favorite things. Then, I got into an abusive relationship and had my self esteem completely cut down. I'd always been a foodie (in moderation, of course), but food turned into my crutch and definitely an addiction. I was living in a new country all alone with only my ex for emotional support so I turned to what I knew best: food.
My weight ballooned over the course of 3 years and I went from a size 6 to a size 18. I cannot overstate how fucking rude society is to fat women. I never believed it, but once you are fat... you know what I mean. It just wears you down. I used to walk down the street and people would smile or outright compliment me. Now when I walk down the street people will call me names, stare or sometimes even bark (yes).
Anyway, what I want to get off my chest is this: my weight is ruining my life. I'm not one of those "So what? I'm big but I'm beautiful!" fat chicks. I'm more the "my life is over, I'll never be worth anything again, I have to lose 100+ pounds so I might as well resign myself to muumuus" fat chicks. I still of course make an effort to look nice--I wear the nicest clothes I can afford in my size (I used to have really good style when I was smaller), but the truth is I don't look nice because I'm fat.
Now, as an aside, I totally believe that everyone--fat or skinny--is deserving of love and happiness. But I am so, so hard on myself.
I haven't seen friends in years because I am afraid they will be like, "Dude, what the fuck happened to you?" I don't like meeting clients because I'm afraid of how they'll look at me. This has led to me outsourcing some aspects of my work to third parties and my clients have complained (they love dealing with me over the phone and e-mails). I am even in a really healthy, super loving, and super supportive relationship and I am sweating bullets just thinking about meeting his family. We're supposed to fly to his brother's wedding in September and I literally have so much anxiety over meeting his family that I can't take it.
This extra weight is not only a physical burden, it's also a huge mental burden. I wish I never dated my ex. I wish I never gained weight. I wish I had more self control both back then and now, as food has definitely become an addiction (it's no longer an emotional coping tool). I wish I could just get on with my life, drop the weight, and stop resigning myself to "the best years being behind me" (I'm 30).
I live in a super weight-conscious country (Italy) and I hate going outside because people do stare here. I can't find clothes in stores, I can't buy nice shoes because they don't go around my ankles, I can't wear heels anymore, I hate walking long distances, etc. I wish I could just hibernate like a bear (lol) for like 12 months and lose weight.
Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Thanks, everyone.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2YuwepI
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