So this is my first post on this subreddit, but I've been a lurker for about a month now and you all have inspired me to get back to my lowest weight.
So just a brief history of my weightloss/weight gain journey: when I graduated high school in 2013, I was at my highest weight of 260 pounds. I realized that I needed to make a difference and started to slowly change my diet and went on walks almost every morning. I was counting calories every single day and ate tons of veggies as well as fish that contains a lot of protein (I don't eat pork, red meat, or chicken). I had never been the 'fit' friend; I had always been the fat, funny friend that cheered others up even though I was depressed and insecure. The weight started to come off pretty gradually and by January of 2016, I was at my lowest weight of 150 pounds and I continued to stick to my strict routine of going on a 3 mile walk every morning, followed by a healthy smoothie for breakfast, tuna and crackers for lunch, and salmon and asparagus for dinner. Of course I would have healthy snacks between meals, but I had a routine and I absolutely stuck to it every single day and I loved all of the positive attention I received from friends and family.
I was ecstatic because I couldn't even remember a time where I weighed less than 200 pounds! I felt confident and full of energy and no longer depressed.
A few months later, I move out of my parents house and into an apartment with my best friend. At this point, I'm only 20 and excited to have more independence. However, I didn't realize how expensive healthy food can be when you're also paying rent and other bills, combined with the fact that I'm too stubborn to ask my mom for help paying for healthy foods even though she's more than willing to help. Instead, I start eating the free meals I get from work, which is a restaurant with very greasy food, and using my tips to buy alcohol from the moment I turn 21. My grandma basically lives off of cranberry juice and cheap vodka, my mom loves her Coronas and vodka shots, my dad basically lives off of Modelo, my brother will literally drink Fireball until he throws up, and my other brother (oldest) is basically a liquor snob and is always bringing fancy, expensive stuff to family functions.
I've grown up around alcohol my entire life, but it's no excuse! My family shouldn't play such a big role in the way I live my life, but it does, and I find myself drinking more than a girl my age and size should. I try to justify it and tell myself that I don't have a problem because it's not like I wake up craving alcohol! I only need it every day after work, but no biggie, right? A lot of people have a drink after a stressful day, but deep down, I know it's more than that.
I have gained over 40 pounds in the last 3 years because of my terrible eating habits. I was drinking almost every day of the week, my hair is literally falling out in clumps because of stress, and for the first time since middle school, I found myself cutting again. Not excessively and frequently, maybe just once a month so I can feel something at all.
I'm a mess, to say the least, and I know I should see a therapist because what if I have depression, right? But it's nothing that I can't fix on my own, because that's what I've always done in the past.
Realizing that I need to change my life, I start going on more hikes and I even cleaned my room about two weeks ago. Now, this might not seem like a big deal to some, but my room was absolutely disgusting, and I am ashamed to admit it. I haven't deep cleaned it since I freaking moved in to the apartment and it took me over 12 hours to clean it and I somehow managed to burn over 400 calories doing that all day. I was so happy after I did this, because there's no better feeling than going to sleep in a clean room, and this has also motivated me to go to the gym at least five times a week for the last two weeks. I've been eating a lot better as well and have been incorporating more proteins and healthy fats into my diet, rather than pasta and ramen. Every now and then, I cheat and have a vanilla soy latte or a cold brew with that sea salt foam that's so freaking delicious, but I still feel good about myself! Because I burn anywhere from 400-600 calories at the gym, I don't feel bad about having a treat once or twice a week and I feel like it keeps me from binging; I feel like I deserve it.
Then I give up alcohol.
Albeit, it's only been a week, but that's astounding for me, considering I'd get drunk every night and would finish an entire bottle of Seagram's watermelon vodka in a matter of two days. I weighed myself this morning and I had lost four pounds in the last two weeks, bringing me to 193 pounds. After coming home from the gym and finishing a 45 minute walk on the treadmill at a steep incline, I was feeling good about myself.
Until I grabbed the mail and saw a rejection letter from the Sheriff's department that I had applied to back in November. I thought for sure I had the job, and so did all of my friends and family. I passed the initial application process, the background packet, and even the polygraph test. So this came out of nowhere and hit me like a freaking train.
I cried for a few minutes, texted my mom to let her know that I felt like a failure, and as I type this out, I'm drinking my usual watermelon vodka and diet cranberry while wondering how much longer I'm going be stuck at my sad, minimum wage job while everyone else around me succeeds. I know I can't let this tear me down because I'm only 23, for crying out loud! I keep telling myself that it's normal for me to not have my life together despite the pressure and high expectations that everyone has put on me, but it still hurts and I really, really wanted that job.
Tomorrow, I won't drink... or at least I hope I won't.
I will go to work at my stressful, food service minimum wage job, smile even though I am still sad, and get my required amount of steps in, all while staying under 1,300 calories. My parents will invite me over to dinner where I will politely decline their offer to have some drinks with them and then I will go to the gym after a long, hard day. I will repeat this process and hopefully by the end of the week, I will be happier with my results and with the way my clothes fit, or with the number on the scale.
To anyone who read this in its entirety, thank you, because I don't even have the courage to tell my mother or my best friend that I cut myself in the past, and that I found myself turning to it as a coping mechanism again. To those who read this, thank you, because I haven't been able to say out loud how ashamed I am of myself that I gained back nearly half of the weight I lost, because I know so many people were proud or inspired by me. I know this may not seem like the typical post that belongs in this subreddit, but everyone here seems extremely supportive and I'm determined to not let this hinder my weightloss journey and I know I'll eventually overcome these obstacles.
Tdlr; Lost over 100 pounds, basically gained half of it back due to poor eating habits and excessive alcohol and maybe depression? In the process of losing it again, but had a minor setback and determined to continue with my weightloss journey.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2IhCtbG
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