I'm 32, M, 6'5", I weigh 385 pounds, and that needs to change. I've been subscribed here for quite some time, but have never posted before. This is long, sorry and thank you in advance.
I didn't have great eating habits growing up, my mom is and has always been obese. My dad is also 40-50 pounds overweight at the same height. Despite my habits, I was never overweight before college (maybe 10 pounds or so when I was younger, but that went away in middle school as I started playing a ton of sports). I was incredibly athletic, I played nationally ranked basketball, and on average probably played 3-4 hours per day seven days per week. At that time I was 6'5", 210 pounds, 14% body fat, and ate a ton of junk food.
After high school, my life changed. I was always shy and nerdy, not fitting in with either crowd in highschool, but athletic and smart. Then I went to Caltech for undergrad, and my life became very miserable. I was (am) very smart, and did very well academically in high school, but caltech was a whole other beast. I should have been taking college classes instead of playing basketball if I wanted to go there, but it is what it is. In between season ending in highschool and starting the season at caltech, I put on 30 pounds. It's nuts to think about. I lost very little weight but got back into some kind of shape over the first month or so, but i was no where near as athletic as before. I could barely run a mile. At the same time I struggled horribly with the academics, working 100 hours a week and struggling to not fail out. I became very depressed, incredibly anxious, and suicidal. I quit playing basketball after the first season.
I struggled through the next 3 years, depressed, miserable, and suicidal through it all, and eating like shit was the only thing that brought me any joy. More like comfortm than joy. But, I didn't care what I was doing to myself. I wanted to die anyway, so who cared? I graduated, and weighed 375 pounds at the time. I gained an entire human beings worth of fat.
After college I lost a little of the mental health issues, but not much. I worked for a couple of years, then started a PhD program. Around 25 I weighed a bit over 400 pounds, not sure how much. I tried some diets, but never could stick to anything. I always hoped I could be different, but just couldn't do it. I had and still have to a lesser extent self worth issues. I've been in therapy for the last three years which has helped my mental health a lot.
Around 28 I managed to stop eating sugar and carbs for a couple of months, and I felt like a different person. I lost maybe 20 pounds, I was walking most nights, and not eating sugar made the cravings diminish a lot. I started dating this girl and slowly slipped back into old habits, and regained some of the weight.
We eventually split up, and I've been in a wonderful and stable relationship with a different girl for almost three years. I love her and I want to marry her, but I feel like I'm constantly letting her down. I have tried so many times to diet, CICO, low carb, IF, etc. I just can't stick to anything, and I get insanely overpowering cravings at night. It's honestly where most of my trouble lies. I can do fine all day, but after dinner, before bed, I just can't stop myself from stuffing my face. I am so frustrated, and I need to change. I need my life to change. I am going to try to go back to annihilating all sugar and most carbs from my diet. I hope I can do it this time, but I am not optimistic.
I don't really know what else to do. I understand what is happening, I know what I should and shouldn't eat, but I feel like an alcoholic, hiding from myself and incapable of stopping.
I had a talk with my girlfriend tonight, and told her that I don't know how she can stand seeing me like this. I can't. I don't know why she's with me. I feel like I'm always disappointing her. I feel like she must hate my body. She's very loving and supportive - she's the nicest person I've met, but I can't imagine someone being ok with this. Tonight, she was non judgmental and said that yes she wants me to be healthier because she wants me to live a long time, and sometimes she worries about that. She gave some suggestions that I don't feel were very helpful - she's 5'5" ,125 lbs and has never had food issues - but she was trylng to be supportive and encouraging. I don't feel optimistic, but I need to change. Please help me.
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