So let’s just get this out of the way: I have incredibly ugly feet. Rather than graceful arches and the interlinked ovals of delicate toe joints, my feet look like somebody stuck 5 of those oversized choke-proof legos you give to toddlers onto a brick. What size shoe am I? An 11, extra square width. Thanks, Mom.
That said, I’ve missed being able to see these hobbit feet. They’d gone into hiding under a stomach so rotund I had been asked, much to my humiliation (and more than once), “So, when are you due?”
The second time it happened, I decided to save myself the (external) embarrassment by “lovingly” rubbing my belly gut and said in a couple of months. Sweet baby jelly croissants, did I say that I was pregnant rather than fess up to being fat? Yes, yes I did. Not my most dignified moment.
The stranger beamed at me and issued many words of congratulations. Given that I haven’t been able to conceive, this added insult to injury. Good thing I didn’t have to do the math on the number of weeks, or have to decide on the make-believe gender. Asking for a friend: do food babies come in blue or pink?
So, what was I missing that others were seeing? One delusion I clung to was that my hourglass figure hadn’t really changed with the weight gain. Which, from straight on, held true. Look at that narrow waist! Go me! But, rotate me sideways and my shape morphed into some kind of fiendish optical illusion of an inverse hourglass: fat in the middle, narrow at the top and bottom. No wonder people kept thinking I was expecting. Saw a candid picture from that angle a few months ago — if I squinted enough it looked possible (ok, not plausible) that my heaving profile was the victim of an ill-fitting shirt. Plus cameras totally add 50 pounds, right?
I’m now a month in on CICO, and down 15 pounds. And, ladies and gents, I’m proud to say that I saw the very tippy of my big tippy toes this morning without having to crane forward. Toes 2-5 are still in hiding. Welcome back, Ugly Feet, my old friends.
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