Y’all, I am fat. But for a long time, I convinced myself I wasn’t fat. Or at not THAT fat. I told myself lies like “I’m on my feet all day, so I’m actually pretty healthy,” and “Sure, I’m not a stick, but I’m proportional! I carry my extra weight well,” or “I’m not fat, I’m curvy; this is what a woman’s body looks like, the world can deal with it.”
I cannot stress enough how WRONG I was. Because no, dumb inner voice, I’m not thick, I’m not “pleasantly plump,” I’m FAT.
But because I told myself these lies (and believed them), I let my life fall to shambles. I’d get up in the morning (inevitably with a headache and a stomachache), smear makeup over my blotchy, bloated face, and go to work. The walk uphill from the bus stop would make me wheeze. I’d heat up a ramen noodle cup and eat some chips for lunch. I’d look for any excuse to sit during the course of the day, and be flat exhausted when I got home at night. I’d either stop for fast food on the way home, or I’d order in. I’d get really, really high and snack my way through whatever crap was in the house (pizza rolls and gummy worms being the favorites), and eventually fall into bed way later than I should have. I was a gross, unhealthy mess. And I thought how I was living was normal!! I wasn’t fat, I spent my whole day on my feet. I DESERVED that rest and those snacks. I earned them. (These, too, we’re lies.)
But now? Now I wake up feeling great, if a little peckish. My face is clear, my cheeks aren’t so puffy. My walk to work feels shorter. My lunches are vegan. I swim or go to the gym 5 nights a week, and on my “break” days, I spend an hour at the park with my dog. My dinners are planned in advance and I stop eating when I’m done. I go to bed when I’m tired. I’m actually... healthy?
Just the THOUGHT of going back to how I used to be makes me feel sick. If I put off going to the gym because I have errands to run, or I’m feelings lazy, my body literally feels antsy, like I have this extra energy that I have to burn off of my legs are gonna pop off and jitterbug away. If I eat something that’s greasy or too salty, my stomach feels like I swallowed poison. If I eat too much or put off going to bed, I wake up the next day feeling like I’m going to die. And to think, that was “normal” for me.
I was literally torturing my body and calling it normal. Heads up: if you’re reading this and looking for that motivation to start, that life is NOT NORMAL! Our bodies want to be active! Running, swimming, lifting things, out in the sun as often as possible, breathing fresh air and eating vegetables. Once you develop a routine and get a taste for how you’re SUPPOSED to be living, I promise you will never want to go back.
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