I’ve been overweight all my life. Chubby kid, fat teenager, obese adult. My mother was a complete pushover who gave me whatever I wanted, so when I asked for dominos multiple nights a week she said yes. If she didn’t I refused to eat anything else until she caved, often buying me a large pizza and two sides for myself from the age of about 12. I don’t blame her, because I know I was difficult, but I do with she was a little firmer with me.
Then I got my own job, and my own car, and the issue spiralled. Suddenly I could buy myself two pizzas and sides, I could go on late night trips to mcdonald’s and buy myself multiple meals. It even got to a point where I would run out of money and order pizzas on my mothers debit card - I can’t even really explain why, I would get fixated on these foods and gorging myself and at the time I didn’t care that I was stealing. I felt like a drug addict stealing to get my fix, only it was much less dramatic because I just wanted cheese burgers. Somewhere along the way I really started to associate food with my emotions. Had a bad day? food will perk you up. Had a good day? keep the good times rolling and order a pizza!
About two years ago I went through a rough break up, and every time I felt the urge to text my ex and beg for him back I made myself go to the gym instead. Over 9ish months I lost 80lbs and felt GREAT. I wasn’t at my goal but I felt so much better, guys started noticing me when I was out, I slept better, moving was easier. I’ve now gradually gained back all that weight and then 10lbs extra.
And I can’t. stop. eating.
The main reason I keep seeing for binge eating is starvation. People cut their calories too low, get too hungry, and crack and binge. That’s not my issue. I don’t binge when I’m hungry, or sad, or happy - there doesn’t seem to be any reason. I can not track calories and eat a big breakfast lunch and dinner and STILL sneak off for mcdonald’s. There are some days where before work I will cook myself a full bag of curly fries covered in cheese, have a sandwich on my lunch break at work, and then head off early so I have time to grab mcdonald’s before I’m due home for dinner. On a day like that I stopped being hungry after the fries, but it’s like I have this COMPULSION to just eat as much as I can, and I work my day around squeezing food in.
And when I go for these mcdonald’s trips, I get two large meals, two double cheese burgers, and whatever fried cheese/mozzarella sticks they’re selling. That’s thousands of calories. If I order pizza I get two large pizzas and 4 sides.
I’m not hungry when I binge, in fact sometimes I’m even painfully full, but it’s like once I hear that voice telling me to get food I can’t stop. I don’t know what else to do.
I’ve stolen money for food, I’ve hidden fast food wrappers in the boot of the car, I’ve STOLEN food. I don’t know why, and I don’t know how to stop. And if anyone has ever been through this and knows how to help stop this compulsive binge eating I would love to hear it because I can’t go on like this forever, I want to feel good again I want to be able to walk a flight of stairs again without being out of breath.
Sorry for the rambled post but I just needed to get this out.
tl:dr I compulsively binge eat every other day whether I am hungry or not because I can’t fight or control the urge to consume an ungodly amount of food.
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