Day 0
It's the middle of the night, and I had a bag of Flamin' Hot Doritos and Sour Patch Watermelons right before bed. I feel like crap. I had started my day so well. I went grocery shopping, I made good lunch choices, good dinner choices. And then i just... decided to eat an entire day's worth of calories in fried corn and colored sugar. I've been trying to lose weight for a decade and it never works. I always, ALWAYS, start my days off "responsibly" and then binge on junk food just enough to destroy all progress.
Of course I've tried MFP. And all I get is a log of what went wrong. 1500 calories days followed by 2400 calorie binges. Calories in, calories out. Yes. And I can't seem to control calories in. I think I have a junk food addiction and maybe a problem with binge eating.
I've always eaten too much junk food, even when it didn't adversely effect my weight. I'd like to break the cycle. I'd like to "give up junk food" for the next 100 days. No chips, no candy, no cookies, no popcorn, no french fries, no dairy (I'm lactose intolerant), nothing deep fried and greasy like burgers, reubens, or hot wings. And, since I make awful decisions after only a single glass of alcohol, no alcohol.
I doubt I'll even make it through day 1. But I'm hoping that this is the one time my intentions will actually match my actions? And also, I know I'm not the only person here who struggles with good intentions and bad follow through. I'm losing hope and I know I'm not the only person here who has ever been on the precipice of giving up the idea that I'll ever be the person I mean to be. I guess I'm just... needing to believe that this time will be different. That there will be a day 5 and a day 20 and a day 30. I quit smoking once and this feels about the same. To quit smoking, I let myself do whatever I wanted as long as I didnt have a cigarette. Junk food, nicotine gum, red bull, sleep, bad tv, vats of cheese, whatever. Maybe this time I'll take a similar approach with food. I can have as much food as I want, as long as it's not junk? Maybe that's just a recipe for disaster. Who knows.
But I need to believe that I'll be back tomorrow and that I'll have a day I'm not ashamed of. I want to prove to myself, and to anyone else who might read this, that not all Day 0 or Day 1 posts fizzle into aborted dreams and missed opportunities. I feel like I'm spending my last few drops of optimism here, but maybe I'm also spending someone else's last few drops too. Someone else who notices that there are a lot more day 1s than day 100s.
I'll come back tomorrow, I promise. I promise all 100 days, no matter what. I dont have enough optimism to promise perfection, but I can promise consistency in sharing 100 days of a journey to overcome food addiction.
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