I'm here to talk to you all today about a problem that I didn't think was a problem for me. Sugar. I've never felt the temptation to smoke, I could take or leave alcohol and there isn't a hard drug out there that I'm burning to try. But sugar. They say it's more addictive than cocaine, and I completely believe it. The biggest problem with my sugar addiction is that it's an insidious monster. It crouches there and says "You gave up drinking anything but water four years ago. Boring, but I didn't complain, so a little candy now and then is fine!" "Oh, girl, you're *tracking* your food now, you've made room for this cookie. Have it!" "Girl, eat them Junior Mints, you can make room for half the box" And for a time, that was true. I had room for the sugar I wanted. I "didn't have to deprive myself as long as I counted calories!" I thought I was in control.
I was sooooo wrong.
I first really noticed it about a week ago. Since I decided to start losing weight, I'd been getting my customary bar of 80% dark chocolate to "fend off the other cravings". It was "keeping me sane". Well, it started out that way, because I started out with a square of it. Every now and then. Soon, it was a square every day. Then two squares. Shortly thereafter, I was eating half the damn bar, and adding in other treats. I'd planned for them, or I worked around them, sure I did. At first. Then, last week it was like someone had hit me over the head or something and I saw, really saw what was going on. I was at Trader Joe's, and my cart was now the proud holder of two boxes of their mint creams. DEAR GOD those mint creams are heaven.
"What of it," I said uneasily to myself in the middle of the aisle. "They're special, and they're good. What of it?" I took the boxes home and I unthinkingly ate about three quarters of one box that night. Let's do the math. A box is maybe 40 pieces. A serving size is six pieces and 170 calories per serving. I was putting away close to 600 calories at a time. I could (and have on multiple occasions) put away two boxes in a day and a half. Two boxes. That's about 2000 calories of pointless sugar. I was not planning for this. I was NOT making room for this. This was starting to take over my life. It was *scary* how fast it had happened, too! There were boxes of candy, not just the really dark chocolate but other kinds of candy. I'd begun buying it again in bigger and bigger quantities and I hadn't even noticed. I felt like I was in some sort of weird horror movie and a giant sentient Junior Mint was gonna pop up and say encouragingly "Juuuuust oneeeee mooooooreee". Or maybe it was more of a psychological thriller, I dunno.
My point is, I had to sit back and really look at what was happening. Why I was going after more and more sugar. My job has been insanely stressful, and I of course turned to sugar as my feel good. Mary Poppins can *suck it*, a spoonful of sugar doesn't help the medicine go down, it IS the medicine. I also didn't like the weird panicky feeling that leaped up in me when I thought about not getting candy. It was like the sugar was a separate entity and it was yelling at me. "YOU GO BACK THERE AND YOU GET THAT CANDY." No way, I do not like being bossed around like that.
People laugh when someone says they're addicted to sugar. But it's powerful, insanely powerful. It's not illegal, and it won't hurt your life as catastrophically as hard drugs or alcohol will, but it's harmful all the same. I'm five days "sugar free". I put it in quotes because I'm not going whole hog and giving up breads or fruit or anything. Just my 'problem foods'. It's sad to me, because it feels like an alcoholic's relationship to alcohol. I feel like I can't have even one cookie or piece of candy, or I'll tumble back into that addiction cycle. Not all at once, of course, but slowly, so slowly that by the time I notice it, I'll have gained back more of the weight I've worked so hard to lose. Because even just having one thing, to prove I'm in control or whatever, it'll just make me more miserable than happy. Because I'll want more and I'll tell myself calmly and rationally that I know when to stop because I'm In Control. Then I get sad that I'm sad, as there's more to life than tasty sugary treats, so I should be looking for that. The most visible reward so far is that I've lost two pounds since droppin the candy!
Feeling sorry for myself because I can't eat candy is kind of a waste, I acknowledge this. I do highly envy the people who can work it in and not have it be a problem. If there was a Sugar Addicts Anonymous out there, I could share my moment of near-cave in the other day at work. I was putting my lunch away and spied a bottle of chocolate syrup and the most powerful urge in the world came upon me to just pick up the bottle and squirt it into my mouth like some sort of reverse fondue fountain. It was not a proud moment, but I DID resist it. Sugar, man. Sugar.
What helps me a lot in my moments of weakness is this sub, though. You guys are insanely inspiring and I come here daily to read your stories, triumphs and struggles and I feel so much better. Looking at progress pics and reading tips distracts me from these weird, awful cravings. You guys are all amazing, and if you read this whole thing I thank you for putting up with my weird, withdrawal-inspired rant about sugar. Bless each and every one of you.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2DjcgXh
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