Hi friends, I’m back.
TL;DR— something in my brain snapped and I couldn’t stop eating, gained 12 lbs, now working on losing it again but am still obsessed with food. What hobbies/activities/mantras etc. do you use to distract yourself or take your mind off food?
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The last ~2.5 months were the most wild whirlwind of my life. I finished my graduate degree. I worked like a madwoman, including over the holidays. And I fell in love with the most absolutely amazing man.
In that time, something in my brain just snapped, and I just couldn’t stop eating. I was tired of being so hungry and so cold for so long. I ate the world, as my sister likes to say. I baked roughly 18 batches of different Christmas cookies and ate a lot of them. I binged. I ate pancakes and waffles and cinnamon buns and pasta and homemade bread and sugary cereal and ice cream and drank beer. All super unhealthy stuff, in huge quantities. I ignored the scale, fully knowing I was absolutely sabotaging myself and all my hard work, feeling myself get fatter all the while. I tried to rein myself in, but failed. Continuously.
Fast forward to this past Friday. I finally weighed myself. I’m less than 3 lbs from where I started losing weight in earnest last March. A ~12 lb gain in total. I’m mortified but I knew it would happen. I felt and saw it happening.
I’m just sad being back at square one. The good news is, I’m not constantly hungry anymore in the desperate way I was back in the fall. Clearly my body prefers being between 120-125 lbs vs the 110-112 I was attempting to maintain and want to get back to (I’m 5’3”, F26).
The problem is, I absolutely hate the way I look right now, my self confidence is shattered, and I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I’m the cliche they all warn against. My poor boyfriend met me when I was 111.6 lbs and has just watched me skyrocket up to 124 in a matter of mere weeks. He’s too amazing to say anything about it but I can’t help but feel ridiculously self-conscious every time I undress. My belly and thighs are (relatively) massive... they weren’t when we met. Doesn’t help either that he’s a super picky eater and I’ve been cooking to cater to his tastes (i.e., pretty much exclusively potatoes and cheese).
I’ve started being 100% honest with my calorie log again. I’ve cut way back to 1200 again. It’s tough but doable. I’ve pretty much accepted now that to be thin is to be hungry for me (I have the appetite of a very large bodybuilding man, despite being a small lady).
The problem is, I’m still obsessed with food. I try SO hard not to be. When I was in school, it was easier to throw myself into my work to forget about my food struggles for a while. Now that I’m done though, I’ve lost that outlet. I’ve tried to replace it with books, as I love to learn and read, but I continuously find myself getting distracted and looking up recipes🙄
I have mantras. I drink a lot of tea and water. I listen to podcasts. I try and do literally anything that isn’t related to food but it’s all my brain can think about sometimes. I’ll be in yoga, unable to focus because I’m thinking about my next meal. It’s absolutely ridiculous.
How do I break this habit/mindset? How can I train my brain to want what’s best for me (i.e., small portions of normal, healthy meals and that’s it, no cookies or bs)? What do you do to take your mind off food? Any and all suggestions are welcome.
Thanks for reading my pity party. You’re a gem.
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