I had a rude awakening today when the leggings fabric between my thighs ripped in class. I specify that they were leggings because I stopped wearing pants months ago. I can't fit into them anymore and I don't like how I look in them. I try not to look in mirrors anymore.
No one noticed the tear but even if they had, the source of any shame would have been from within. I've let myself down. I don't respect myself because I don't respect myself-- each time I break promises to myself, the less I hold myself in esteem, and the more I break promises to myself. It's a vicious cycle.
I tell myself that nothing is out of my control, that I am responsible for my body, but my actions aren't in line with my empty words. I don't believe myself anymore.
I never thought this would be me. I've always taken great pride and joy in being athletic and lean. I ate whatever I wanted and made no excuses when it came to exercise.
Between summer and fall semesters, I gained about 5 pounds. I wasn't worried at all. A 5 pound fluctuation was nothing new. But the 5 pounds stayed. And turned into 10. Into 15. Into 20. And 25. Around the 15 lb mark, I got back into working out regularly. Things were going well. Then I got hit by a car. I couldn't work out my legs or do serious cardio for over a month but I was determined to stay active so I worked my upper body every day and did chair workouts. I'm still recovering. I began eating my feelings and the slower my progress (and often regress), the more I ate. It went beyond overeating-- I was binging.
I've never had so much trouble controlling my appetite. I've realized that all these late nights studying and the severe lack of sleep have affected my eating habits and willpower. It's not an excuse but an area in which I've yet to adapt. I feel like I have no routine, no control of my life.
I'm not sure what to even think or feel or do now. I've made so many false starts and I've never weighed this much in my life. My "real" body, my "real" weight seems so far away now. So far away. I don't even know where to begin. I'm so uncomfortable inside and out. I can't believe that I've packed on over 4 pounds per month. When I Google my situation, the results are mostly related to pregnancy... I'm not pregnant :/. This is rock bottom. I just need help. I don't know. I know the only person who can help myself is myself. I'm just struggling.
The facts:
Age: 25
Sex: F
Height: 5'5"
June 11, 2018: 126 lb, 20% body fat
December 13, 2018 (today): 151 lb, 30% body fat
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2UH0k8p
No comments:
Post a Comment