How long was I since I last talked here? Let me tell you about myself. I think I have told you most of these, but oh well.
I had started my weightloss journey from September 2014. I started from 125 kg, barely able to move and walk. Breathe, even. It was the lowest point of my life. I recently failed the uni course I was in, after trying to do my final year project and not even able to start it. The reason why I can't start, when I look back, is more due to my self-defeating/destructive nature. Today, I could barely defeat that, and are still trying hard to.
My parents responded with the usual wrath. My father thinks I have wasted his money, rightly so, and made me help build his house. That is fair, although him shouting and insulting me further for my insolence ruins what little love I have left for him. My mother is so angry that she shoos me away back into university. Come to think of it, I am a brat. Other people of my culture would already be shooed away from my house. My father may have tried to a few times, but my mother keeps forcing me to reenter university.
When I reentered university, with a course that I prefer this time, I have lost 20 kg. I diligently continue to lose weight, from 105 kg to 95 kg in one and a half years. Keto helped me in this regard, but the taste of bread finally broke me. I had been losing weight by doing some cardio and calisthenics. When I am overeating again, I assume a different approach. Rather than eating with abandon, I eat with the intent to build muscle. However, fat are also built, especially as I drop keto in an attempt to do lowcarb. I tried to do lowcarb because my father find it's unfair that I eat vegetables and meat, while my siblings eat rice, vegetables, and meat. Taking his advice, I started eating rice again and my weight ballooned. Or rather, I do not adapt from the possibilty that I could not do keto anymore, and haven't updated MyFitnessPal in a while.
Of course, my self-esteem started to plummet. It doesn't help that I now have to face another Final Year Project. I owe a lot to my professors' leniency and my friends' help. I barely pass the subject, and it wrecks my mind. But at least I pass. When I finally finished the subject, I have regained up to 120 kg. I gasped. I know I must regain control of myself, for my own good.
I started working on losing my weight again at the first week of my Industrial Training. I intended to do it slow this time, especially since I did gained more muscle this time around. I am now able to do pushups at a moderate tempo, are working on doing pistol squats, planks are too easy for me, and while I can't do pull ups, I am starting to work on handstands. It's not much, I know, but it's a big deal for me.
I am now about to finish my Industrial Training, two more weeks left. I have no further big obligations for my uni, and I am free to look to the future. I managed to lose 4 kgs in two months, and are working on controlling my appetite in a carb amount that isn't very high.
I need to solve my self-destructive behaviour. I had grown tired of having a happy self and able to jog swiftly, and decided to ruin my own happiness, beating myself up for it after that. When I have a lot of time to do things, I delay until the last possible moment, then work extremely hard for it, being angry at the very people supporting me 'for putting me in this situation'. Not to mention, I have been planning to write a novel, but have not worked on typing the stories, using my work as an excuse.
I also need to start getting money to get out of my parents' house. As much as my parents are the one fully sponsoring my uni education, twice at that! They are also the ones who stopped me from doing what I really want to do. I can't blame them, they have ideas regarding 'the best life' that I am to have, and it involves me sitting in the office and doing paperwork in an airconditioned room. That is a good life, but I don't feel like it. I want to work on my own, away from all the human drama, and interacting with humans at my call. I may have to work under tohers for a while, but I can't do it forever.
I don't think I should share my weightloss goals here, as I have heard that telling people what my goals are is going to stop me from actually achieving it. Instead, I think I will share what I really want of my life. I want to be self-employed, if not being a successful entrepreneur. I also intend to be swole enough to post on Instagram as a fitness model or something.
Thanks for reading until here. If you wish to say anything, please do, but if not, it wouldn't be necessary.
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