TLDR: Awful gastro issues during a cross country move to CA prompted tests that determined I’ve got fatty liver disease, GERD, and sleep apnea. Unexpectedly my 7-year depression / shame spiral has lifted & concurrently I’ve been learning about my Irish ancestry and it has all empowered me to finally change my life for the better. I’m ready to take my life back.
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I’ve been having awful, disabling gastro issues before/during/after a cross country move from Connecticut to California. Once I got to CA, I started seeing a GI doctor.
One endoscopy, colonoscopy and ultrasound later, it turns out I have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, GERD and sleep apnea (and a digestive tract that’s extremely sensitive to stress!)
I am only 24 yrs old. I feel...shocked. Disappointed. Seriously brought down to earth.
I knew I had gained a LOT of weight, but I didn’t realize that it was already messing with my health so young.
I’ve been severely depressed for 7 years, starting in college through the 3 years after graduation. I’ve struggled with panic attacks & PTSD for the last 5 years. I was also diagnosed with ADHD 3 years ago.
Naturally, to cope with all of this internal madness....food. And because my energy levels were so sapped 24/7, I was super sedentary. I even spent the last year self-employed fully intending to reclaim my life, but...because of my Bad Brain getting uber triggered by severe online harassment from a person in my industry, I almost never left my bed.
It’s been an extremely hard year. It’s been an extremely hard emerging adulthood.
Anyway, I ballooned to 219 lbs on a 5’1 frame.
Despite all of my physical health issues and the horrific experience I had with some creep trying to blackmail & bully me off the Internet after launching my business...this is the first time in my life since I was in high school that I can remember NOT feeling hopeless, empty, and ashamed of being alive.
And now, I’ve just been confronted with the severe effects of my depression weight gain. And in some sense, I feel really awful. But not the kind of awful that makes me want to shrink away and die, or eat Taco Bell, or cry into a 10 piece chicken nugget meal from Wendy’s. I mean maybe occasionally. But not every. single. day. Like I felt. For 7 years.
Nope. Today, I ran an entire mile without stopping. It took 13 minutes, which I’m honestly amazed by.
Normally I would have stopped as soon as my breath started getting heavy. But honestly. Ok. So, part of my digestive issues led me to the question:
“Why the F am I dealing with this, why does my whole family deal with this dysfunctional food & weight crap, and what role might my Irish ancestry play in that reason?”
So I started seriously investigating. Apparently new research into epigenetics actually does suggest that the effects of famine (my great grandparents were born during the famine) can do serious shite to people many generations after. That is wild, and feels true to my experience & relationship to food.
Anyway, I found out and really finally understood the stories of my ancestors who immigrated to the US. They were almost all involved in Irish rebellion including one who murdered an English officer & fled to the US to avoid persecution. Another one who was an “illegitimate” child orphaned at 16 & sent to the US by a priest (allegedly his father).
And suddenly, swear to frick. I felt like something deep woke up in me. I felt like all of this immense shame and fear (of being secretly “evil,” of abandonment, and my inexplicable lifelong fear of imprisonment) which had kept me so depressed as a young(er) adult, just slowly started to transform into passion for life and for justice.
Today, running that mile, I kept thinking, “Your great grandfather didn’t risk his life actively staging & executing rebellion just for you to be afraid of a little bit of running pain. Keep going.”
And it worked.
I literally feel like I have discovered my purpose for being on this earth. I feel like I am here to heal the shit my ancestors couldn’t, and do them proud.
So step one? I’m getting healthy. And it feels like it’s coming naturally!
Because of my digestive issues, I spent the last 2 months eating waaayyyy less than I had been. I also started dancing 20-30 mins a day to try and heal my body / mind / spirit.
And I’ve lost 18 lbs so far!
Now I’ve just gotta keep going. And I think I can. I think I’ve just been offered a new lease on life. And I’d be bananas not to seize the opportunity to finally let myself be who I want to be, and milk the last 15 precious months of being on my parents’ health insurance.
I will not just be losing weight, I will be transforming my life. I will become the sexiest non binary MF this world has ever seen and my liver will return to its prime (maybe). I will not spend another day of my life overcome with shame and guilt. I will devote myself to restoring the lost legacy of my ancestors’ fierce commitment to rebellion and liberation. I will make this life one that’d make my ancestors feel like all they risked was worth it.
GET READY FOR ME WORLD. HERE I COME.
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