Hello everyone. I wanted to type this out in hopes of coming to terms with a few things. Just a heads up this is going to get lengthy and emotional.
I have always been a big person. In terms of weight and height. I currently stand at 6ft 2 and 110kg and believe me when I say that I am very displeased with how I have ended up back here. As a gay person of colour food has been my one and only comfort, when I am basically rejected and scorned by the rest of the world. It has been there for me as a safety net and as a comrade and as ashamed as I am to admit this food may be the great love of my life, which is both very depressing and very sobering.
I have had such serious problems with my food intake, body image, self esteem just to name a few. This has been going on for years and I'm just going to make a timeline to express this
September 2012: I finally make it to university after so much struggling. Unfortunately I absolutely despise my course, my flatmates and I do not get along and I end up balloning to 275lbs/125kg
September 2013: After failing my course and needing to transfer I suddenly decided that I "deserved to be healthy". I signed up for a gym, took my diet more seriously (no calorie counting) and over the next year proceed to lose 40kg and get to about 80-85kg. However in this time I have developed some very unhealthy binging and purging habits. This includes binging on several thousand calories and then restricting and going to the gym until I can literally wring my shirt with the amount of sweat I have produced. At this point I hadn't noticed how bad things were and how bad things were going to get.
July 2014: For my final year I am renting my own studio flat. This however was a sombre victory; because yes I had my own place but I was alone. I made no friends during these two years at university and I was feeling isolated. As a result I kept binging/purging and my weight was stagnant. It also bears mentioning that my hair has thinned significantly and my body is ravaged pretty badly at this point. Again I didn't know how bad things were and how bad they going to get.
July 2015: Graduation. Unfortunately I had gotten a pretty bad grade. And to make things worse I had to move back in with my parents as I had no job set up an no money. The binging and purging keeps up and I decided to try calorie counting and taking it seriously for the first time. Not being able to find a job after university I had to sign on for government assistant. This was for almost two years.
January 2017 to present day: Huzzah! A job. At a supermarket... as an assistant. But after being unemployed I'll take anything. At one point during 2017 I decided to see if I could do 1200 calories a day. On a 6ft 2 man 1200 a day is ridiculous. But I did it. And I still do it. And then I binge on upwards of 5000 calories the next day. Then I purge by going to the gym. And the cycle repeats; I'm sure you all know how this goes. The weight slowly creeps up from that and the fact that I get discounted food. I went from approx 85kg to 110kg. I am back where I started before university and I am heartbroken. After a binge I starve myself on 1200 calories a day to make up for what I feel is a cardinal sin. But because it's basically starvation for me I end up binging the next day or so, and the cycle never stops.
And here we are. In addition to starving myself, I over-exercise too and it's starting to have a real effect on my health. Most of my hair is now gone. my relationship with food is in ruins and my body is starting to break down on me. I absolutely despise the gym and want to give up. Yet I can't. Everything I have, I always come running back to it. This time I'm so close to giving up the gym for good. I would love to walk for exercise and have a moderate calorie deficit but I feel that I need to atone for my sins thus far. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My life feels like it is already over at 26.
To those who have stuck by, thank you for reading. I just wanted to get that off my mind and believe me I feel significantly better for it. I haven't given up somehow, though often it feels like I have. If anyone has a similar story or would like to add anything please feel free to do so.
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