Hello! This turned out to be a long venting post of sorts, TL;DR at the end with questions posted-
To expand more on the title, I have known my whole life that I have sought out food to help me along, whether it's just comfort during a difficult time or a full blown crutch during a really heavy moment. I recognize that other people do this, I know I'm not an acceptional case. And while I recognize this, I'm not happy about it. I've become much more serious with learning about healthy eating and portion control this year, and have lost twenty pounds since spring (another twenty or so to go before toning up can begin) I have a better handle on food now, make far more beneficial food choices than I used to, which has definitely contributed to a happier and healthier (physically and mentally) me. I'm also not following anything too restrictive, and have modified my day to day intake so I can create a maintainable way of eating. I've been slightly stressed lately over usual life things (family, friends, work) nothing exceptional, things that all people usually have to deal with (though I do also have an upcoming knee surgery that's been on my mind) I also don't usually deal with stress naturally very well- my instinct is to push everything aside emotion wise and let it build up for months until it comes out (poorly timed panic attack style events have happened before) so I've also been trying to work on letting myself feel things as they come up (trying being the key word) Anyways after all that explaining and complaining, I had an emotionally difficult evening today over something, and while definitely not resulting in a blow up, it tipped my nearly full stress bucket over and I allowed myself to get upset afterwards, cry, think about things I would maybe rather avoid, let myself feel and process the situation. I felt some genuine relief from this... then promptly reached for and inhaled a bag of white cheddar popcorn. I should say, I also try and only keep 'healthier' things in the house if I can, so my snack choices were the popcorn, these rice cake tortilla chips things, or Halo Top. It was a 250 calories portioned bag, so I didn't even blow my whole days calories. I feel only lightly satisfied and mostly dissatisfied from it though. On one hand, yay it's food!! But it was the same coping method I've used a 100 times before- it could have been the popcorn or a plate of cookies or an entire ice cream cake, the food didn't matter. It's that I reached for it, instinctively and quickly, and gobbled (not too strong of a word) it up, no savouring. Just. Food. Now. It's not the food itself I'm upset about, regardless of what it is, it's the lack of control. I haven't had a heavily stressful time like this since I started losing weight a few months back, and I don't know how or why I expected this to perhaps change as this is all one long process, but it made me realize that this is just how I cope. I can try and let myself process the shit out of a bad situation like a normal person would, and I'm probably still going to reach for food, despite knowing it won't change much emotionally for me, and that I'll probably eat it too fast to even enjoy it, but the small comfort it provides momentarily will probably make me do it again next time.
In what I'm sure is a contradiction of sorts, I am all for cheat meals, treat meals, emotional eating, for other people. I see Instagram posts of fitness focused pages posting a giant donut with a #baddaytreatyoself hashtag and genuinely think "hey, good for them, they deserve that, enjoy that treat". I've spent time with friends after a breakup (or even something not as stressful as that, or even worse) and if they want to go to town on a giant bag of candy, then I wouldn't even give it a second thought. I have one semi-bad thing to eat during an emotional time and I'm quite mad at myself. I accept other people doing it fully, but not myself very much at all. I feel I should also mention that I do love food, I love cooking and enjoy eating regular meals and even grocery shopping, but I feel kinda sad from a stress binge (that it happened at all, instead of the food itself)
TL;DR- I do have day to day control over food, but not fully evidently when it comes to times of anxiety. I'm not taking much solace at all in that my food choice for a stress binge was a 'healthier' one. It's that despite my current healthier relationship with food, my immediate stress reaction is to still seek out food, and that other potential relievers (walking, showering, getting upset) don't fulfill it. The food doesn't truthfully fulfill it either, but I'm gonna eat it anyways, just how it is. I'm all for other people treating themselves, but hard on myself.
It wasn't what I ate, but that I ate, at all. And then I get disappointed with myself that I don't have the control I thought I did.
Question- I should mention that I recognize that I'm sure I'm not alone in doing this, and also that there are far bigger problems to have in life--this is just what I'm recognizing in myself tonight so thought I'd write about it. That being said, I'll ask- How do other people deal with this? Eat the dang thing and move on, maybe knowing this cycle will happen again but just handling it? Try and change habits to gain better control and build up a better coping habit? Just not even worry about it at all because there are bigger fish to fry in the grand scheme of things and just see how things pan out the next time you're stressed out? For me, after typing this out, just accepting that it's a thing I'll do forever is probably the most realistic, but its not much of an overly consoling thought that something meant to nourish me, and usually does, offers me little in a time of need, and knowing it'll all just happen again is just a sad thing to accept to be honest.
My apologies for the wall of text, and thank you for reading and any input you may have to my ramblings. Any comments on my situation laid out above are welcome, or anything your willing to share from your own life. I'm not necessarily looking to fix myself immediately, but just recognizing that this is something to stay in my life, and I certainly appreciate getting some insight from other people.
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