Rant about being the "fat friend"

I just wanted to write this out because it's been playing on my mind a lot recently and I hope it resonates with anyone else here.

I basically want to share my experience with being the "fat friend". Unfortunately I have a friendship group of girls who are genetically blessed so, although I am not obese, due to my taller height and being bigger quite frankly I feel like an ogre when I'm around them.

The problem is when they first met me I had come out of an abusive relationship and was the smallest I had ever been in my adulthood. So over the years I have steadily put on more weight whilst being in a new loving relationship and I feel like they treat me differently.

I've been really hurt by the interactions over the past year or so and I actually think about them a lot of the time. I've had them comment on how tight my jeans are (a new pair that I was feeling really great in), debating who is the biggest in our group when it's obviously me, quizzing me on if I'm working out when I'm obviously not, wanting to stand next to me in photos so they look better, comments about my cellulite "whats that?", always commenting on how nice each other look but never me, putting me on the spot about why I'm wearing a swimsuit when they are all in bikinis, comments on the food I've ordered...it goes on...

The issue is this has caused my self esteem to plummet. Up until just over a month ago I avoided looking in the mirror, I loathed myself, refusing or begrudgingly getting naked in front of my partner and I've totally ruined our sex life because how can I have sex when I hate myself and can't look at myself let alone letting my partner see me in all my glory?

I decided several weeks ago that I can't do this anymore. I can't let myself sabotage my mental health and my relationship any longer. This sub has helped me loads and I'm finally getting over my demons and actually looking in the mirror again.

I guess I just want to say I wish people knew how much a passing comment can hurt someone and it can play on their minds, but I bet they don't even realise they are doing it. I was in my darkest place but my life now is feeling like a breath of fresh air. It might be quite a selfish and vain reason to want to lose weight but it really is my biggest motivation to never feel how I did again.

Thanks for reading my rant.

EDIT: Thank you all for your really lovely comments and advice - I’ve read each and every one.

Also yes I retract my “genetically blessed” statement. At the time I did think like this but now I’ve realised it’s on me and this flippant incorrect comment doesn’t reflect how I keep myself accountable now.

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