I decided in September to finally shed the baby weight. Yeah, my baby was 16 at the time and I've been obese since before having any babies, but :shrugs: it was a handy excuse, yeah? In all seriousness, I've been lurking and sometimes commenting on this sub for years, and even managed to lose (and regain, ad infinitum) the same ~30 pounds about 5 times over the last 8 years. I'd get to a point a little above where I am now, people would start noticing, I'd start feeling good about my progress, and slide right back into old habits.
Today I reached a milestone I haven't before- 50 pounds lost! And that's a big deal, but not as big a deal as I genuinely thought it would be. I thought I had about 100 pounds to lose, so 50 pounds would be halfway done. But I've come to realize over the last 9 months that I'll never be "done"- I'm not the type of person who can intuitively eat- intuitive eating had me weighing nearly 300 pounds. It had my joints hurting. It had me winded folding fitted sheets. Which, okay, fitted sheets are still a little tricky, but I can walk 9 miles without gasping for breath now, so I have every confidence that at some point in the next 50 pounds I'll make those bastards my bitch.
But I won't stop tracking. Ever. I won't stop moving. Ever.
I discovered last week that I'm a full inch shorter than I've thought I was for all of my adult years (which sadly, is a long time.) This means I have even more weight to lose than I thought. I'm choosing to look on the bright side- shorter people notice weightloss more quickly, right? Five (or in my case 50) pounds is more noticeable on a shorter frame than a taller one? That's a silver lining. So what if it means that I need to lose more than 100 pounds to get to a healthy weight?
With all these potential downsides, I thought I'd share some upsides to my first 50 pounds:
I'm curvier than I thought. I thought I had a shelf-butt and this weird double gut. Turns out, there's a name for that weird belly (B belly) and as it shrinks it's less noticeable and I'm way less self-conscious about it. Also, that rear shelf? A bunch of inches lost and a few (okay, very few) squats have transformed it into what my 17 year old daughter randomly called a "cute butt" and if you can't trust a teenager to be brutally honest about your derriere, I don't know what's real anymore.
My knees actually have bones in them. Like, I know this. Duh. But I've literally never had hard knees before, and I've always felt that my legs were my best feature. And by best, I'm talking the least terrible out of a pretty terrible pile of terrible things. But now, I catch myself rubbing my knees simply because I like feeling how hard and pointy they are rather than because they hurt since I actually stood up for once.
There's a shadow at the base of my neck. This is like a precursor to actually being able to see my collarbones, which is a weird goal for some, but an ultimate goal for me. I had half of my thyroid removed a few years ago, and I remember the surgeon telling me where he'd make the incision, and that the scar wouldn't be noticeable because I had a crease (which was a nice way of saying "roll of fat") there. That crease? Yeah, it's gone and now, years later, people who have seen me daily since the surgery are asking what happened to my neck. The scar isn't even very big and it's obviously faded over time, and of all the things I care about, that scar isn't one of them, but joke's on that surgeon because his "hidden" scar isn't, so hah! Anyhow, the shadow is good, and collarbones will be great!
The aforementioned teenage daughter's clothing almost fits me. Trust me when I tell you, only one of us is excited about this idea. She's lost a bit of weight as well, though she's a clotheshorse and had a wide range of sizes in her closet, many of which didn't fit her. I've purged a couple of giant bags' worth of clothes from my closet and gained almost as many from hers. Soon, though, I'll have two closet's worth of clothes to dress from- at least for a while- she tells me she plans to take her clothes with her when she leaves for college- the nerve!
Speaking of clothes- sizes and bodies and clothes are weird. For the first ~30 pounds, I don't really think I noticed a difference at all in how most of my things fit. Then stuff started getting looser. Now, some stuff falls off, others are noticeably baggy, and others are comically large. But I have a pair of jeans that still fits. I also wear jeans 5 sizes smaller. 5 sizes! I went from a US women's 22 to a 14 in jeans. That's a big difference, but I have one pair of 20s that I think still look fine. In tops, a 2XL, or a 20, to a Large, or even a medium in some styles. So sizes aren't trustworthy... but man did it ever feel good to buy something off the rack from the normal size for the first time ever- and to slip into my healthy-sized kid's jeans without wiggling and laying down to button them.
I'm also finding that I'm much more motivated in other areas of life. I thought I was just a lazy person. Turns out, yes, depression was a real thing. Being severely obese certainly didn't help that. And while I'm still obese, I'm definitely in better shape (did I mention I can and do walk 9 miles regularly?)...but I still battle depression. I take medication and see a therapist, and have for years. Those things aren't new to this process. But losing the weight has given me motivation in other parts of my life. Mopping the floor doesn't make me ache all over. Cleaning out the closet is freeing and feels good and productive instead of overwhelming and demoralizing. I think this process has taught me to be more forgiving in general, and not just of myself.
Which is another thing... the comments... because I recognize that I don't always appreciate weight-related comments, even well-intentioned, I have become much more aware of the comments I give to others. I find myself much more inclined to notice a haircut, or new glasses, or a cute top, or fun shoes, or whatever. I'm commenting on people's attire or choices rather than their appearance, if that makes sense. Like, something they chose for themselves instead of the way they just look- for instance, people have often commented on my eyes, which is nice, but not really something I have control over. But I chose my clothing. So that comment somehow feels nicer and more sincere. Or sometimes just saying "you look really nice" or "I really like that lipstick, it looks fab on you!" which in my neck of the woods has gone over surprisingly well and has been super hard for me- but it's been worth it.
This whole process has been life-changing for me. I've learned a lot about myself and about pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I've begun working in therapy to discover exactly why I stumble and fall back at around this point (hint: childhood trauma and hiding behind fat to feel safe) and I highly, highly encourage everyone to go to therapy. You don't have to be traumatized. You don't have to have any or all of the same diagnoses that I have. You don't have to take medication. But there's no shame in that.
For the next 50 (+) pounds, I have a goal to move more (I joined the gym a while ago but I'm super infrequent in my visits) and to gain more confidence. I definitely feel like an imposter a lot- in my whole life, actually, which, again, I'm working on in therapy. For weight-specific goals, I'm just going to keep on keeping on, counting my calories, drinking my water, taking my walks, and stealing my kid's clothes. Who knows- maybe I'll shrink out of them?
I'm really sorry this got so long, but I love all of you losers, and I love your posts, and I love this sub, and I apparently love being long-winded. I promise I won't do it again until I hit 100 pounds lost :-)
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2tLggde
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