Sorry for the vague title, but it's accurate. I'm scared. Of everything. I'm scared of my own thoughts because a lot of times they don't make sense. They race and have no direction. I can't focus. I'm scared of the world around me because most of the time it doesn't feel real. Sometimes it feels far away and like I'm watching it from somewhere else, or someone else's eyes.
I'm scared of how I could feel tomorrow, because it all feels so volatile. One moment I'm on top of the world and everything is possible, and the next I'm so depressed and numb that I don't see myself ever feeling better. Even though I know that's not true, I can't convince myself of anything else. I feel like I have no control over my mind.
I couldn't sleep the other night and at around five in the morning, the light was beginning to come in through the window and I suddenly felt afraid again. I convinced myself that time had stopped and would never continue, and I would just be trapped there forever in that moment. That time was just an illusion and the illusion had been broken.
I dream very vividly and sometimes my dreams feel more real than my waking life. It takes me hours just to orient myself in the morning and convince myself that the things around me are real. I sleep a lot because what I see there feels more certain, more concrete.
I'm scared to get help with this because I can't afford therapy. I have tried medication in the past and it helped for a while and then made me suicidal. I have tried free therapy and the person I saw victim blamed me (I was in an abusive relationship for four years).
It's not always like this. I have clear moments, and moments where I feel more hopeful. I have a loving family who have helped me through so much. But I'm scared that these strange ways I feel will get worse and worse.
Thank you if you took the time to read this. I'm not really sure why I posted this, but if you want to share your own experiences or comment at all, I would appreciate it.
[link] [comments]
from Mental Health https://ift.tt/2k1g44S
No comments:
Post a Comment