Ever since about 3 or 4 years ago I stopped feeling emotions or enjoyment, but I don't really think its depression.
On the emotions side of things I don't get sad anymore. Even when someone I care about dies or some other serious event, it doesn't bother me at all, I haven't cried in years. I also don't feel sorry for other people, I know I should care about other people's problems and feelings, but just can't bring myself too. I never understood how people could get so emotionally attached to someone to the point they could cry about it. I also don't trust anyone, and I'm always paranoid there is someone watching me or hiding just around the corner out of my sight, about to get me.
On the enjoyment side, no matter what I do I can't get enjoyment from anything (sex/masterbation, food, drugs/alcohol). I no longer have any urge to have sex or masterbate (because it doesn't feel good, not cause I can't get a boner or something). Foods I remember being addicted to completely fall flat, I just eat so that my stomach won't growl. I use to use drugs and alcohol, not frequently, but on occasions and now have completely stopped because it doesn't feel good.
The only emotion I can recognize is when I'm angry. It seems different on different days, sometimes nothing will bother me, other times I want to fight someone over small things.
This is really fucked up and I know it is, but the people i hate, and even the people who just annoy me, piss me off to the point all I can think about is different ways to torture them, I hate myself for even going that far but can't stop thinking about it. Sometimes I will go as far as thinking out in my head how I would kidnap and torture them, and how I'd get rid of the body.
About 2 years ago I got caught with drugs I got off with community service and a couple other minor things. The judge also suggested I see a therapist, and my mother ended up making me go. I never talked to the guy, just answering with yeah or I don't know, eventually the therapist just got tired of me and said I didn't have to come back. Now that I look back at it I wish I would have talked to him so he could answer these questions I have, but if I did go back I almost know I would still do the same thing, I thinks it's because I just can't trust a stranger or anybody.
This is the first time I have ever said any of this I just keep this all in my head, but i just want to know if this is normal or if there is something wrong with me, cause sometimes I feel insane.
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from Mental Health https://ift.tt/2IudD5y
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