Sorry this is long- bear with me!
I have been battling my weight for what feels like forever. I’m 38 - 5’4”and currently weigh 215lbs. I have 3 great children- 17, 5, and 2. I ended up having an emergency C-section with my last one so I feel like my belly definitely feels different after that even tho I have a belly bulge. Last year I really got into losing weight and working out. After having my last baby I weighed 225 and that has been my heaviest I have been without being pregnant. I felt like I had to do something. I felt like I do now. I hated how I looked in clothes, I didn’t like how people looked at me, I didn’t want to go outside, I hated getting my picture taken, and I just knew I needed to change for my health as I was prediabedic at that point. I planned it all out told my husband and he got on board with me and I got my weight down to 172. My goal was 150. (I would be happy with 172 again if I could go back today.)
The holidays came around and dieting is so hard at the holidays. My husband was a damn rock star. We can have everything in moderation. It’s not a diet it’s a lifestyle change. But it’s like my mind doesn’t understand moderation. I love the homemade meals and the cookies. I allowed myself to have some. Probably a lot more than I should. Who am I kidding obviously a lot more than I should otherwise I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in today. It continues slowly, and before you realize it you no longer weigh what you had weighed before, this time you are up 30 lbs since Christmas. I lost the interest in eating the foods I had primarily eaten for the 9 months prior when I was trying to get on a healthier lifestyle change and losing the weight. I wouldn’t say I eat horrible and I don’t eat a lot at all. I hardly eat much at all. And I know how it works. I need more in my diet. I recently went to my normal Dr follow for my medication and my thyroid is out of whack. It seems like it always is. I’ve been on medication since I was in my 20s. Hypothyroidism. This time it was at the highest it’s ever been…. a 9. So she upped my medication again. I wouldn’t say just give so much to feel normal and be able to feel good so I can try to get this weight off my body and feel good about myself again. I haven’t felt like myself. I feel so irritable and angry. And I break out in sweats. I’m so tired all the time. Of course my Dr has me on weight loss medication pills. My ins does not cover any injectables. Go figure.
My husband is down 90lbs and has kept it off. He has awesome willpower and does a fantastic job at holding himself accountable. I’m so proud of him but at the same time I wish I could’ve kept myself going on track too. I wonder what it would be like if I had. Where is he at now in my weight loss journey. If I’d be at my goal or if I’d be past it. If I’d be comfortable in my skin and buying all the clothes I wished and dreamed of being able to wear.
Tomorrow we leave for a trip and I am having for pack clothes for 6 days and I don’t have a single outfit I’m comfortable in or feel I look good in. I just hate this. I want to be comfortable in my own skin! My upper stomach feels so big and my lower stomach feels so bulgy. I remember telling myself that I would not allow myself to get like this again. Sigh. This is just hard. Thanks for letting me vent!
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