Up and down, still heavy

I am 19, Female, 5"5/165cm. I am a college student. Middle class family. Asian. I have been trying to lose weight while I was 15. Did crash fad diets, Atkins(expensive) 3 months, Paleo 3 months, Whole30 1month 2 weeks.

I went from

82kg(2016) > 75kg(2017) > 70kg(end of 2017) > 68kg(2018) > 76kg(2019) > 80kg(March 2020) > 96kg(Oct 2020)

There are nights where I cry about being fat. I gain so easily by eating 2 donuts or 2 cups of ice cream a week but lose 1kg after 2 weeks of running/lifting/eating veg and meat.

Its genuinely triggers me and become angry when my friend, at the same height but half my weight, posts a picture of them eating a small portion of junk food. Captions, "Ooh fats ahaha" or "Gaining weight" LIKE NO YOU ARE THIN BY BEAUTY STANDARDS AND BMI CHART

I've been trying to run a little more and eat less processed foods. But I'm still above 90kg. I feel so disgruntled and pathetic about my weight. I am tearing up as I type this.

I just want to know if anyone feels this way. If you do, I hope things go better for you. :D

Edit: This is the first time I vented out about how I feel about my weight. I'm curious if anyone feels this way.

submitted by /u/CALIsunrise01
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