I know I'm overweight, or obese, but as I haven't weighed myself in over a year I don't know how bad it is. Last I checked I was 110kgs. I'm 153cms, so you know... short and round.
I hate my body, and I hate that I have no willpower. I know where my eating habits have come from, as I have a history of trauma, of being fed junk food by my father, and I know my mum used to use emotional eating to help her cope with the emotional abuse she suffered at the hands of my father too, which is a habit that I've picked up. She tried to instil healthy eating habits in my sister and I at a young age, because she always says how hard it is to lose weight once you're older. And for the most part I eat really healthy. I love veggies and will pack any meal with tons of veggies and protein. I have a love of potatoes which I'm trying to curb, but I don't really eat bread or pasta as I just don't really like them.
My problem is snacking. I have no willpower and I struggle to say no to myself when I want to eat crap, or just have that "one more" snack. I'm studying so I have the constant excuse of needing study food, and something to occupy me while I work.
My other problem is that I used to be relatively sporty, and was always active. I played hockey and cricket, and was mainly very good at hockey. Once I left highschool and exercise fell into my own hands I struggled a lot. I have depression, and I just let myself be lazy because I don't have the energy or willpower to force myself to do something. I used to walk 3kms to uni and back every day so that was at least something, but then.... I had an accident and hurt my back. I got a partially herniated slipped disc and a fractured coccyx which wasn't picked up and healed at a painful angle, and I spent about a year in agony before getting referred to a spinal surgeon who took me seriously and discovered the issues with my disc. He told me about 5 years ago (2015) that even lootlos10kgs would take a huge load off my back and stop me from possibly fully rupturing the disc.
So I got physio for a while which helped, and kept walking because it was pretty much all I could do... but my snacking didn't stop and so my weight didn't drop. 5 years later and I think I've put on about 30kgs since then, and my back pain is present every single day. I thought having some kind of "lose weight or you'll throw your back out even more" ultimatum would spur me into action but I just kind of made the pain my new normal. I try to tell myself I've cut my life expectancy in half by being like this but that just paralyses me with fear, and of course when I'm scared what do I do? I eat.
The worst part was that when I tried to get myself going again I felt great. I can't do much with my injury, so I started swimming (around 2017). I joined a casual group and swam with them 2x a week and then by myself 2x a week for an hour each time and I felt really good. Then after one session I got home and saw that the coach of the group had put up a video of us all, and there was a large section in there of me... me trying to pull myself out of the pool, me doing the press ups, me getting back in to swim... and her in the background chuckling. I just sobbed. I felt like a joke. Like no matter what you do, skinny people will always feel superior, even when they have no understandings of the battles you go through.
Why even try to do anything when all you're gonna get is laughed at? Laughed at for being fat and then laughed at for trying... I just felt defeated. I never went back and I havent swum since. I don't have the self esteem to fight back against that bullshit, but one of the other older women in the group did call her out and told her it was gross.
A year after that (2019) I moved countries and I didn't have a car, so I bought a cheap bike and started biking. It was great - new country, new start. I was still embarrassed by how fat and how unfit I am (having to use all my strength to pedal up hills while everyone else zooms past isn't the greatest feeling, so sometimes I would get off and walk my bike to save myself the shame) but I felt like I was at least doing something.
I moved with my partner about a month ago, and I haven't biked since all of this coronavirus stuff because I've been stuck at home. I take the dog for a walk once a day, but that's it. But yesterday I got on my bike again. I biked for 10 minutes and I was absolutely done. I was panting so hard, I couldn't even get up the smallest hill my legs were shaking, I felt like a complete failure.
I have no idea what to do, and I feel like I'm at a breaking point now where either I just stay like this forever, or do something to change. I feel like I need to get back on that bike every single day even if it is just 10 minutes, but I'm just so embarrassed that I can't do anything. And even when I try to exercise, I have absolutely no clue how to go about getting my overeating and sugar cravings under control. It's like the most dangerous addiction.
TLDR: I'm obese and unfit, suffer with shame and embarrassment with exercise, and I have a major sugar addiction. I have no idea where to even start to get my life under control.
I guess I'm just looking for any advice or pointers, even encouragement... anything. Because I have no idea what to do.
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