I’m not doing this to prove anything to anyone; I don't have some vengeance story, I don’t want to amaze people, I don't want to find a mystical lover.
I’m not doing this to prove anything to myself; I don't think I'm worthless crap if I’m fat. I've done this before so I know I can do it, I know how I look when I'm thin.
I used to think of weight loss as a mission - these are the rules, it will take strength and determination but we shall succeed, for glory!
I used to think of weight loss as a science - these are the rules, calculate all the calories burned and consumed, track everything, weigh yourself every morning (after peeing).
It’s not that any of these mindset are wrong, it’s not that I’ve abandoned them, but I've come to realize that for me, all of them are missing the point.
The point is that when I let go of myself, I don’t feel good in the present. The day in and the day out, I don't feel happy. And the present is what life really is after all, all the rest is memory or speculation.
I don’t enjoy meals, I obsess over them. I think about how much I can eat without people noticing. I think about when I can eat again. I eat until I am uncomfortable, and still not satisfied. Then I feel ashamed, guilty, disgusting. I don’t look forward to cooking, I don’t consider light healthy foods (since I'm acting like a fat pig, I might as well eat pasta for every meal), I don’t exercise, I don’t want to interact with success. And most of all, I don’t feel good. Why am I doing something that is making me sad every day?
So it doesn’t matter how long until I reach that shining golden weight. It’s not about that. I’m sure I’ll feel excellent at 135lb, but the truth is that I can also feel good at 165lb, and progress will come with time. It doesn’t matter that today I ate maintenance instead of 1200 calories, it doesn’t matter that today the scale didn’t budge, it doesn’t matter today that I didn’t run a mile, or that I had seconds, or that I ate white rice. Because when I am not over-consuming, I feel good.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes because there is no finish line. As long as I feel good every day, the finish line is the path I am walking along.
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